(apologies to Dives and the other folks from Wipe Club. This transcript also may or may not reflect actual game events)
Maurice: Odd groups got left. Even groups got left. That means 1,3,5,7; left. 2,4,6,8; right. 7 & 8 are Devils groups.
Maurice: OK listen the [censored] up. We are going to skate very very slowly–and by slowly, I mean [censored] slow. If you take a penalty, it means that you are going to lose 50 DKP, because you didn’t know what the [censored] to do. *looks over at defence* And watch the [censored] puck!
Francis: If you get shoved into the Devils bench, you’re going to lose 50 DKP again because you weren’t wherever the [censored] you were supposed to be.
*murmured question from LaRose*
Rowe: There is no playoff reset. There’s some [censored] about a playoff reset when people don’t know how to manage their game. After the first two faceoffs, then you can start taking shots on him–assuming you know how playoff games work, and you don’t overthink.
(later, during the <s>raid</s> game….)
Maurice: (after calling time-out in the first) OK, rush him, shoot on him, then during period 2 we’re going to take as many shots on him as possible. You want to even the score as fast as possible. Have your shot totals up every time, four lines, play through your pain…
(during 2nd period)
Maurice: Crash the net, hits, take the body! I don’t see enough shots! More shots!
(30 seconds later)
Maurice: Come on, more defensive shell! Hit ‘em like you mean it! You’ll have time to rest before Period 3 while I try to come up with a better gameplan.
(during 2nd intermission)
Maurice: Remember to use all of your playoff-prolonging abilities. Feign Death, Vanish, [censored] Fade…anything that you can use to reset the playoffs.
*Rowe and Francis look at Maurice like he’s lost his mind* *players stare blankly*
Maurice: With 40 seconds left, you will stop shots–until then, more shots. More shots, more shots.
Maurice: Come on, more shots! *3 minutes later* K, stop shots.
Maurice: Take that, Brodeur!
*guys on bench wonder wtf they’ve gotten themselves into*
Maurice: Staal, run to center ice! Cole, run to center ice! Ruutu, center ice! Babchuk, center ice! Seidenberg, center ice! Whatever the [censored] you do, do NOT stand next to other people! *players roll their eyes and spread out* Staal, center–just take the faceoff.
*Rowe facepalms, Francis whistles idly, McCarthy sits in the booth, palm over face, thinking “Some blogger is going to have a field day with this tomorrow.”*
Maurice: Go away from their bench, Staal! Watch the puck!
Francis: Babchuk just got shoved into the Devils bench.
Maurice: WHO THE [censored] WAS THAT?! BABCHUK? WHAT. THE [censored]! LEFT SIDE! EVEN SIDE! MANY DEVILS, NOW, HANDLE IT!
Maurice: [long stream of expletives] THAT’S A [censored] 50 DKP MINUS! WHAT THE [censored] WAS THAT [censored]?! If you stand in the right place, there is no [censored] way that you will end up into the goddamn other team’s bench! Whatever hits, [censored] blocker swipe, whatever the [censored]! It’s like one in a [censored] million! From the left faceoff circle, into center ice, into the [censored] Devils bench, it’s not even remotely imaginable!
And I would about say that sums up last night’s game, which I had the displeasure of listening to while going on a Naxxramas raid. Original Wipe Club raid wipe coverage Here–warning, it’s not work-safe.
Yes, this is kinda lame. But since the ‘Canes didn’t bother frellin’ showing up last night, I can’t be arsed to post anything decent for them today.
…cos the AcidQueen don’t wanna hear it.
So many things to talk about today, so let’s get down to it shall we?
ISSUE ONE: The Defence.
Luke DeCock has opened a lovely can of worms with this week’s iteration of The Monday Debate–and I, of course, had to go and chum the waters a bit. I should have probably been a bit more blunt-force, but what would be the fun in that?
Simply put, our defense is fearsome–and not in the happy fun way, either. Joe Corvo is best when used in strict moderation. Joni Pitkanen is a question mark. Josef Melichar should have been left in Sweden. Nicky Wallin should go back to Sweden (his best season was 05-06. Seriously kids. I love the man but he’s done like dinner). Timmy Gleason…eh. When Tim Gleason and Joni Pitkanen are your likely top pairing? Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Am I being too harsh? No. This team should have laid out the coin for Aaron Ward, but no–Uncle Pete has decreed that the nickel-and-diming shall continue, and so we get Yet Another Nickel-and-Dime Defence.
ISSUE TWO: Bomani Jones and the Survey of Doom
You all remember Bomani Jones’ pitiful excuse for an attempt to take a potshot at hockey in the South find Hurricanes fans back during the 2006 ECF. He deliberately went to places like Sammy’s (which has never been a destination for fans–mostly because it’s pretty exclusively NCSU-oriented and also because the owner is just a teensy bit hostile towards us damn carpetbagger Caniacs…nevermind that a lot of State fans are also Hurricanes fans), the fringes of Durham (where of course he just had to toss out the gratuitous bit of sports racism–i.e. “hockey is for white folks”), and the inboxes of a couple buddies of his (one of whom is a NASCAR fan and the other one of whom isn’t even a fan of the Hurricanes).
Bomani decided to, after getting hit with the Ten Ton Hammer by half the Caniac Nation for being such a douche, whine and cry that he was just trying to be funny. Of course you were just trying to be funny, Bomani. Of course you were. And I am the King of Siam. Et Cetera, Et Cetera.
So–why am I bringing all this up? Because Bo decided to bring up a survey of the 500 residents of Hyde County (glove-tap to janeybell for that zinger) that supposedly showed that nobody in NC gives a fig for (or even knows about) the Hurricanes, and then use that as an excuse to show his ass yet again (on the heels of Greg Wyshynski’s mild clowning on the survey in the midst of getting some quotes from Hurricanes’ Media Czar Mike Sundheim)…after which Bo pussed out when questioned in the commentbox about what his “point” was supposed to be.
SUMMATION: Bo doesn’t know dinky-doo. He’s also a whiner–apparently anyone who took issue with him even in the slightest is an “oversensitive fan who missed the point”. Dudeman is a turtler, bigtime; therefore, I shall dub him Claude Avery.
(BTW, for those who have IMed or e-mauled me asking me to call in: I would like to, but I don’t have a phone at my desk nor do I know if I’ll be able to get into the equipment room at work so I can use the phone there. They don’t pay me teh moniez to hammer Bristoleros on the phone, yanno.
My major issue with the survey is that the sample size is pretty damn miniscule. It’s like Jeremy Clarkson asking a question of one audience member on Top Gear and then saying “There you have it, nought percent of the British population own a Prius/like diesels/want speed cameras/whatever”–which he does specifically to poke fun at pollsters. 500 people is not a sufficient sample size to give a good result, unless the base that the sample is drawn from is also very small (e.g. 500 people out of 10,000). Moreover, where was the survey conducted? Do I have to get out the Barbecue Map and show you mooks the sports breakdown of North Carolina or something?
I also have to wonder what the author of that poll was drinking when he came up with it–but that’s a question for another day.
ISSUE THREE: The Schedule
Yay, schedule’s out. Whoopie-ding, Detroit is the last game before the State Fair Road Trip (and of course, somebody’s already engaged in asshattery over it–quelle grande surprise).
Big deal. SlugFans are worse than Wings fans anyway–except that once the SlugFans sober up, they can at least talk hockey in a semi-intelligent manner.
Now that that’s out of the way:
I’m far more interested in the fact that the schedule is finally back to some semblance of normalcy–of course, since division rivals get played 6 times a piece, invariably some mental giant out there is going to start bringing out the “DEE DEE DEE, SE Division only gets a seed cos they play a weak division, durrr.”
The Red Wings win the President’s Trophy damn near every season because they play a weak division, and I don’t hear anyone saying anything about that. So why does the Southeast Division get hailed on? The Sabres won the President’s Trophy with the exact same division record that the Hurricanes had the year they won the Cup–but I don’t hear anything about that except for the random SlugThug calling me “bitter and angry” because s/he’s too drunk or soaked in his/her own personal issues to come up with something actually intelligent to say. So why does the Southeast Division get hailed on?
I keep hoping to have a cogent discourse with somebody on this topic–but so far it’s been about as fruitful as a Wipe Club raid*.
WARNING: Very funny, especially if you’re a WoW player, but there’s lots of profanity thrown about at that link. Don’t listen at work or with the kids around.
Release date unannounced. New features like Level 80 (Woohoo, more grinding!), siege warfare (battlegrounds will never be the same again), NEW CHARACTER DANCES (YES! I no longer have to watch my hunter dance like the French Britney Spears!), new dungeons to explore, and we’ll finally get to see the icy continent of Northrend (home of Arthas the Lich King). I’m such a tourist, I totally geeked out on the idea of new areas to explore. I mean, I’m the person who went along on a Molten Core raid with NO fire resistance AT ALL…just because I wanted to see what it looked like. I’m also the person who tried to get some of her guildies to form a raid group JUST so I could get into Magtheridon’s Lair solo to check it out for myself. And yes, I died horribly both times. I also took advantage of a couple of environmental glitches to get into Hyjal to see where Archimonde bought it in Warcraft III–and got tut-tutted by a GM, who jokingly offered to teleport me into the middle of Blackwing Lair so I could satisfy my curiosity (I think that GM wound up getting fired by Blizzard for actually having a mind of his own and saying something other than “Works as intended, thank you for playing World of Warcraft!”)
Yes, I’m a geek and damn proud of it. I haven’t been this excited about something since Command and Conquer 3 came out (KANE LIVES)!
Off to level my Draenei shammy. See ya on Azeroth!
What little life I had before is now gone, thanks to two things:
Reputation farming to get a new pea-shooter so I could farm more rep to get a different pea-shooter (and farming the materiel to make the Felstalker set that the above character is wearing at the moment).
Which is currently downloading from EALink (since I don’t have a DVD drive), and which I’ll be installing and firing up tonight.
“Tower this is Ghostrider, request permission for a flyby.”
Yes, it’s official: I am White and Nerdy.