Sweet Tea, Barbecue, and Bodychecks

WTF is it about Florida that makes players on their teams so whiny?

Is it the water? Is it too much sun? Is there something being put in those fantastic Cuban sammiches? What is it?

Case in point: Saturday’s beatdown of the Lightning. Yeah, we pwned face, 5-1. Welcome to Tampa, Mike Smith. I’m sure you’ll be hopping a makeshift raft out of there at the earliest opportunity.

But yeah–the St. Pete Times’ mediot-in-chief, Damien Homerdero, is all up in the whining about the game:

Lightning defenseman Dan Boyle still cannot believe he was called for a roughing penalty on Carolina’s Erik Cole in the second period of Saturday night’s game.

“Cole’s about 240 (actually 205 pounds) and I put my hand on his face and he does a summersault, 360 (degrees) on the ice,” Boyle said. “He was shocked he didn’t get a (diving) call. I saw his face afterward.”

Hey Danny-boy, guess what:

You see where your stick is? You should have been called for a tripping penalty, son. Moreover, allow me to quote for you Rule 51.1 (that would be “Roughing”):

Roughing – Roughing is a punching motion with the hand or fist, with
or without the glove on the hand, normally directed at the head or face
of an opponent.

Now, in futbol that would be a facemask penalty. Is it a borderline call? Possibly–but I freaking watched you drop the glove and try to rip Cole’s face off, dude. You got caught, you got called, you sat for 2 minutes, so GTF over it.

And of course, Homerdero goes on to whine about our “reputation” as divers. Wow, I guess the Lightning are so desperate that their players, coaches, and even their mediots are hopping on the Panthers’ bus and calling us divers because they can’t come up with anything better.

Sheesh.

Anyway–Canes are off until Wednesday, when they play the Thrashers in the ATL.  Mahalo.

Yeah, so last night was Tuomo Ruutu’s debut in the Sightless Eye.

I knew it was going to be interesting when I heard 96Rock’s Foster dub him “The Bishop” as I was driving home from work. I just didn’t know how interesting it would be.

Second shift, Ruutu rocked Colin White with a big hit (that he really should have been levied a boarding call for) and immediately endeared himself to the TSB Goon Squad (and everyone else in the arena). Mike Rupp responded by Orpiking Tim Gleason, who had to be helped off the ice with an unspecified head injury and didn’t return, and that little tease Bret Hedican made me think he was going to throw down in defence of his sidekick–but no, such was not to be. It was all just a tease. Get me all excited for null comma nichevo. Damn elves…can never trust ‘em. Especially when they own-goal and spoil the shutout.

So it was up to Wade Brookbank, who stepped to Rupp and administered a partial beatdown (I say partial, because it was more wrasslin’ match than fight). And that was the end of the first–more or less. The game settled down, more or less, in the second and third. The crowd was up in arms when three Devils basically held The Chosen One back while that whiny little bitch Marty Brodeur took a couple shots at him–Staal responded by going RAWR! and putting Brodeur on his ass (to the delight of the crowd and the dismay of Devils homer colour dude Chico Resch). Ruutu wound up leaving the game toward the end of the third after Patrik Elias accidentally-on-purpose (IMO) clipped him by one eye with his stick.

The game went to OT, and Sergei Samsonov wound up potting the game-winner. And the Devils, after the game, actually had some praise for the ‘Canes:

“They played a lot better game — that’s the bottom line. That’s a different team than we’ve seen in the first three games. They played like the Carolina team we know. They were playing hard, they put a lot of good things out there, they were aggressive, and we didn’t come with the same desperation they did. And it showed.” — Jamie Langenbrunner

Why thank you. Thank you very much.

9 games to go until I render my final opinion of the Ruutu trade. Go Canes.

To CAR: Tuomo Ruutu

To CHI: Andrew Ladd

So…hmm. This trade is really fairly even, except in terms of age and immediate (as in “over the last ten or so games”) benefit. Tuomo is 25, which isn’t bad but isn’t great either.  But the trade did kinda need to be made–I mean, our second-line center is Trevor Letowski; do you really think that will last much longer?  I don’t.

So yeah. Scouting reports from my friends in the Western Conference leave me skeptical–Ruutu is a bit injury-prone, and he has a reputation for being a bit dirty; two things that will reduce his half-life here by a fair amount if they continue–especially the dirty part. Hard-hitting is one thing. Standing up for yourself is one thing. But being a cheap-ass bastard is uncool. However, I will give him a few games to see what he can do for us.

In other Divisional news: the Channelside Drive Boatlift continues as Brad Richards and Johan Holmqvist are the latest Bolts to flee the tinpot dictatorship of Fidel Tortorella; they head to Dallas for Mike Smith, shootout specialist Jussi Jokinen, and Jeff Halpern. The Capitals have traded a second-rounder to the Habs for Cristobal Huet, which makes me wonder what if anything the Caps have planned for Olie Kolzig. Team rivalry aside, I like Olie and I would hope that GMGM will allow him to finish out the season and retire a Cap.

And Wade Belak has been shipped to Florida for a fifth-rounder. That poor bastard, he must have really pissed off Chairman Mo to get exiled to Florida hell like that.

Canes and Devils throw down at the RBC tonight at 7:00. Y’all have fun with that, I’ll be flat on my back yet again, dosed on painkillers and listening to ChuckandtheletterK.

Go Canes.

So this Saturday I had to watch the Caps-Canes barnburner on teh t00b–which robbed me of these choice comedic moments:

Olaf Kolzig throwing a little tantrum and breaking his stick after the Hurricanes’ fourth goal.

The goal horn at the RBC blowing a lung.

The Caps fans that bused in going home quietly. (I kid because I love, guys–srsly!)

A few drunk members of our nation’s military trying to re-enact the USO scene from “Apocalypse Now” with several members of the Storm Squad.

Well OK, that last one wasn’t comedic so much as pathetic, but you get the idea.  The Hurricanes have been playing rather well since the Warchief went down–which apparently puzzles such luminaries (ha ha) as EJ Hradek, but doesn’t surprise me. I’d had a feeling that various guys (like Eric Staal) would step their games up, and I was right. I am right.

So tomorrow the Hurricanes face the Devils for the fourth (and last) time this season. The Devils let the Capitals get a point yesterday, which didn’t please me in the least. Hopefully they give us two points tomorrow night. Just sayin’.

Couple things:

First–the ‘Canes win a wild one at the RBC last night v. the Thrashers. Actually, it was wild only in that the entire first period was the Hurricanes throwing everything but the kitchen sink at Kari Lehtonen. In the second, they finally threw the sink at the guy and wound up winning 5-3. It was ONLY because Lehtonen was so on that first period that the score wasn’t something freaky like 15-3. The excuse given by the Thrashers’ broadcast team on Turner South was that the team is “distracted” by the whole Marian Hossa thing.

Bitch please! That’s not a distraction. Losing your Captain for the season? Now that is a distraction.

And speaking of the Warchief–Greatfather Bob is in town visiting his boy and grandkids (he was holding court at the RBC last night, according to several fans who stopped by to deliver their well-wishes), and had a little rap with Luke DeCock. Yes kids, the Warchief doesn’t want to take his recovery lying down; not a day after surgery, the man was already back to pumping some Fe:

“He’s struggling right now,” Bob Brind’Amour said. “He wants to do more than he should and he doesn’t realize it’s the healing process. The knee, when he ices it, it almost looks perfect. But then he walks and the blood gets in there and the fluid and it blows up.

“He got operated Friday afternoon. Saturday morning at 7:30, he’s lying on the floor in his bedroom and he’s lifting 55-pound weights. He’s got his leg up on a chair. I went up there and said, ‘You idiot. What are you doing?’ He’s so dedicated. He knows his body, but in this case he’s got to tone it down a bit.”

Our Warchief, ladies and gents. You can’t keep him down. Tomorrow, the Hurricanes take on the Capitals at the RBC–Puck drops at 5 PM, and the game is pretty close to sold-out according to Ticketbastard; so hurry up and get your tickets before the Caps Road Crew takes ‘em all up.

For those who listened to NHL Live today to hear Don and EJ goof on me, here is what I wrote from the depths of my server room:

Guys,

If the only way the Hurricanes can make the playoffs is to be third-by-default, then I don’t want them to make the playoffs at all. Period.

2004 and 2006 were supposed to be the new paradigm for the rest of the Southeast Division to live up to. The new “no more Southleast” idea was supposed to be the banner that the Hurricanes would rally around as they marched out of the depths of slack-ass mediocrity.

What we have here now? It wasn’t supposed to happen. Our defense wasn’t supposed to suck, our offense wasn’t supposed to just go poof after October ended, and 2007 was supposed to become a quickly fading memory as the Hurricanes went on another deep playoff run. It was supposed to be better. It was supposed to be a corner-turning, the proverbial dawn of a new day, but instead the Hurricanes are once again stuck at the light with a tank full of fumes and falling toward another 2002-2003 style Season From Hell.

And the killer for me? I see no urgency. I get no “oh crap, we gotta get on it” vibe.

If that’s all that the Hurricanes want to do–rest on old laurels–then I hope they never make the playoffs again.

It hurts me in my heart to say that, but it’s time for some serious toughlove on the part of this fan.

Sorry for writing instead of calling, but I’m stuck in a server room with no phone at the moment.

Cheers,

AQ

For the record: The year the Hurricanes won the Cup, they were second in the East–by ONE point. The third seed (who was third-by-default) was New Jersey with 101 points. The Sabres were third-on-points with 110.

Also: It’s the settling for third-by-default that leads to people bashing the Southeast. Nevermind that the Central is the weakest division in the NHL, with the Red Wings feasting on all their conference rivals (except for Chicago)–people habitually expect the Southeast Division to be the mediocre division, largely because they are mediocre. Or rather, because they tend to play like it. And the fans just settle for it. “Oh, third seed is good enough.”

Screw that. Go hard or go freaking home already. Don’t freaking settle.

When I said in my previous post that I didn’t want the Hurricanes to win the SE if it meant that they’d be third-by-default, I wasn’t expecting the Atlanta Thrashers to take me seriously. But y’know?  I’m glad they did, because I was starting to get worried that a team that really doesn’t seem to give half a damn would actually make it into the playoffs.

ATTN HURRICANES: YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH TALENT TO WIN ON TALENT ALONE.

Last season, I didn’t care. This season, I care but I am trying not to start smoking again. If it’s not fans on x Random Messageboard gettin’ all bipolar, it’s the team choking a gods-damned tie in Hogtown.

HOW THE HELLS DO YOU CHOKE A TIE?!

*sigh*

So, some highlights from last night:

Borer = keeper

Ladd and Cole get a stay of execution. Good to see Sergei the Keebler Elf finally get on teh scoreboard this season. I only fault the Cam and Mike Show for two of those goals.

AND THEN THERE IS OUR DEFENCE:

Dennis? Ich hab’ dich lieb, but if we get the chance to get somebody better for you then you gotta go.
Timmay, dunno what your issue has been the last few games but the flu only lasts but so long yanno?
Frankie? I’ll take the Dread Master over him.
Wes is doing the best he can.
Commodore? Package him up with Atlanta Frankie and see if we can bribe the Avs into parting with Liles.

And for the painful part: 

Something is seriously physically wrong with the Warchief, I don’t think that it’s the flu, and I am now convinced that he suffers from Hedicanitis because he’s being a selfish bastard by not being up-front with people or teh org about what his issue is. Gods it hurt to say that.

This team is killin’ me here. When I’d rather watch CSI reruns on Spike than watch a ‘Canes game?  That’s saying some shit right there.

AND BEFORE ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING: I expect that Dwayne Klessel will have Yet Another Staal-To-$TEAM Rumour<tm> up by this afternoon–but really?  Unless it’s for like Ovechkin or somebody else like that, Staal won’t go anywhere. He is The Chosen One, there is no way that JimR will get rid of him unless it’s for some absolutely ridiculous return coming our way. Just sayin’.

(p.s. Dammit Thrashers, why did you have to stop at 5 goals last night?!)

To: Steve Gorten, South Florida Sun-Sentinel

From: The Acid Queen, Hurricanes blogger

Subj: Your Game-day Whine

Mr. Gorten,

I realize that you want to get fans’ minds off the fact that their team wilts like one of Gordon Ramsay’s commis chefs when they’re under pressure¹. I realize that you want to divert attention from the fact that your team’s captain looks like a naked mole rat. I realize that you just want to get the fans fired up for tonight’s game against the Hurricanes and conveniently ignore the SIX THIRD-PERIOD GOALS that were scored by the Hurricanes to tie it up in that last game. I realize that. It’s okay.

But really–calling us divers because you lost to us the night before Crunk-ass Eddie got pwnt by the Miami-Dade PD…because Eric Staal lost an edge and fell on his ass and the ref made an erroneous hooking call? You gotta be kidding me!

And the rest of you lot down there aren’t much better. Fans on a Panthers board are planning to show up at the Cat Box tonight wearing goggles and swim caps and standing on the ‘Canes end of the ice to try to “make them realize that they’re a bunch of divers”. Wow, and here I thought Sabres fans were some bigtime sore losers. I guess y’all just can’t hang with getting pwned by us on a regular basis–can’t beat us with Luongo, can’t beat us with Belfour…maybe Tomas Vokoun will get pantsed by Frankie Kaberle on an OT penalty shot and toss his stick up into the netting again. That should be fun, especially when you and your fellow South Florida mediots (not to mention the Panthers) find something new to whine and cry about should the Hurricanes lay the smack down tonight.

In closing, I’d like to offer you one crying towel from last year’s ECF. It’s only slightly used and has some ready-made excuses printed on it so that when the ‘Canes beat down the Panthers another seven times this season, you’ll have some seed material for yet another whiny argh-ticle.

Love and kisses,

AQ

p.s. Potvin Sucks.

¹: Yes, Captain Obvious, I realize that article is from the Palm Beach Post. Sue me for using it to make a point, OK?

Thrashers finally can Bob Hartley, Don Waddell takes over as coach until he finds a replacement.

Yeah, like we didn’t see that one coming from a mile away.

Truth be told, I feel bad for my friends in Thrashers Nation or Blueland or whatever the heck they’re calling the fanbase these days. It’s just been one thing after another with them–and the search for a new coach is going to be tough until the ownership situation gets resolved, especially since the guy that’s gotta hire the new coach is now doing the coaching (and given how he’s done as GM, I dunno if I really like seeing him behind their bench again¹).

¹Some may recall that the last time the Thrashers fired their coach, Waddell took over for a few games. Look for Waddell to be coaching for a bit longer this time.

OK, so I’m reading a message-board thread, and I find this smelly little road-apple dropped right in the middle of it:

All and all, Carolina is the best team in the division and should be able to secure a 3rd seed in the Eastern Conference

And I, of course, was done. I am sick and tired of this “oh, we should get the third seed cos we won the Division” crap. I may be one to hedge my bets and say “I hope they do well this season”–but my expectations are pretty plain.

CUP. OR. BUST.

With that comes FIRST. OR. BUST. Why?  Simple: I am sick and frakkin’ tired of the Southeast winding up (more often than not) “third by default” instead of “third on points”, which has happened in every season except for 2004 and 2006. Nobody of course says anything when it’s the Northeast winding up third-by-default (hello, Boston)–but the Southeast? PMF CONTRACT TEH WHOAL DUHVISHUN!!1!one

Fuck me. I am sick and tired of “Oh, I’ll be happy with mediocrity” crap like this from our own damn fans. Third seed….third seed my ASS. All that kind of stupidity does is give ammo to embittered SlugThugs and other assorted clowns that want nothing more than to keep the Southeast down, and I’ll be damned if I sit by and allow that to happen any longer.

Fuckheads.

Unless, of course, you’re a Thrashers fan–in which case you’re wondering WTF your GM is smoking.

Let’s be real here, kids–Don Waddell should have been fired by the Thrashers three seasons ago. The dude’s got little if any mojo as a GM, as far as I’m concerned.

DWGM’s first ever NHL draft pick: Patrik Stefan, who the Thrashers rushed to take over guys like Nick Boynton, the Sedinbots, Frankie Kaberle, Martin Erat, Ryan Miller, Henrik Zetterberg, and Martin Havlat. You know, guys that are still playing and have actually done something other than get concussions, play like a career AHLer, and pwn himself in front of an empty-net.

Sure, he’s gotten some good ones since then–Heatley, Kovalchuk, Lehtonen (though his groin issues are calling that pick into question)–but overall his drafting history? Meh. And that is saying something, when you consider that the team I barrack for has what is generally considered the worst (and is definitely the smallest) scouting staff in the NHL.

And trades? Let’s see….Dany Heatley for Marian Hossa–OK, I can dig that. But it only comes out as a good thing for Atlanta if the Thrashers ever make the playoffs and wind up doing better than the Sens. Braydon Coburn for Alexei Zhitnik? Glen Metropolit, a first-rounder, a second rounder (2008), and a third rounder(2007) for Keith “Pass the donuts” Tkachuk? And ANOTHER first-rounder if they re-sign the guy?

Don’t bogart that joint, my friend. Pass it over to me.

And don’t get me started on the debacle that was Turin. Derian Hatcher, Don? Mike “I’m going to do what I want instead of what Coach tells me to do?” Modano? Letting your coach take the fall because some of the older guys on the team didn’t even listen to him? What the hells were you thinking there, mang? Were you hitting the same sauce as Wayne Gretzky was when he chose Team Canada? Did you two share a crackpipe or something? Seriously, I’m asking here.

Next up: DWGM guarantees a playoff spot for the Thrashers, and the team responds by promptly tanking even more than they’re tanking already.

You heard it here first.

I was gawking at Tom Benjamin’s page the other day, reading back over some old entries, when I noticed this comment from David Johnson (who runs Hockey Analysis):

I think the 2004 Tampa team was one of the luckiest teams ever and far luckier than Carolina this year. They played in the easiest division, never had a single serious injury (regular season or playoffs), and had an extremely easy playoff schedule playing the 8th seed (Islanders) in round 1, the 7th seed (Canadians) in round 2 and a beat up injury riddled 3rd seed (Flyers) in the 3rd round only to meet a 6th seed in the finals.

The only “real” difference between Tampa 2004 and Carolina 2006 is the injury bug. And the single dumbest part of that comment, IMO? The “easiest division” crack. Sorry Dave, but it can more convincingly be argued that the Central is the easiest division–just ask the Red Wings, who fatten their standings point totals on the Blue Jackets, Blues, and Blackhawks every season.

The title of this post is Tampa’s record vs. the Southeast Division in the 03-04 season. 13 wins, 8 losses, 3 ties. Ten of those 13 wins came against two teams: Washington, and Carolina. And they didn’t even perform the best against that division–they performed the best against the Atlantic Division, with a record of 16-4-0-0. They lost thrice to the Isles and once to the Rangers, and ran the table with the Pens, Flyers, and Devils. Perhaps the Atlantic Division was really the “easiest division”, since the Lightning had such a cakewalk.

Just out of curiosity, during Ragnarok I decided to re-seed the playoff teams by only accounting their games vs. teams not in their own division–and this is what I came up with:

EAST:

Ottawa: 79 pts (1st) (record v. own division: 9-10-4-1)
Tampa: 77 pts (2nd) (record v. own division: 13-8-3-0)
Toronto: 75 pts (3rd) (record v. own division: 13-9-2-0)
Boston: 73 pts (4th on tiebreaker with MTL) (record v. own division: 13-6-2-3)
Montreal: 73 (5th on tiebreaker with BOS) (record v. own division: 9-13-1-1)
New Jersey: 70 pts (6th on three-way tiebreaker with PHI and NYI) (record v. own division: 14-7-2-1)
Philadelphia: 70 pts (7th on three-way tiebreaker with NJD and NYI) (record v. own division: 13-6-5-0)
NYIslanders: 70 pts (8th on three-way tiebreaker with PHI and NJD) (record v. own division: 8-11-3-2)

WEST:

Detroit: 77 pts (1st) (record v. own division: 15-7-1-1)
Vancouver: 74 (2nd) (record v. own division: 10-7-6-1)
Dallas: 72 pts. (3rd) (record v. own division: 9-8-6-1)
San Jose: 71 pts (4th on tiebreaker with COL) (record v. own division: 15-6-3-0)
Colorado: 71 pts (5th on tiebreaker with SJS) (record v. own division: 12-7-4-1)
Edmonton: 70 (6th) (record v. own division: 7-12-3-2) (Ouch, Oiler fans)
Calgary: 66 (7th) (record v. own division: 11-7-4-2)
Nashville: 65 (8th) (record v. own division: 11-9-2-2)
St. Louis: 64 (miss playoffs) (record v. own division: 12-9-2-1)

What does this show? Division games are important, but winning against teams not in your division is just as important (the Lightning were a dismal 9-7-2 vs. the Northeast Division, including being swept by Ottawa–that’s what hurts them in this model, in my opinion). And really? There wasn’t a whole lot of difference between Tampa ’04 and Carolina ’06, save for a lack of injuries for Tampa in ’04 and the fact that the Devils were the third seed in the East in ’06. Buffalo was just as decimated by injury this season as Philadelphia was two years ago, and the Oilers were an eight seed this year.

Does that mean that the Hurricanes were “just lucky” as Tampa supposedly was during their Cup season, or that the Hurricanes did a better job of following the informal Special Forces motto “Adapt, Improvise, Overcome”?

Really, every team is lucky when you think about it. If Tomas Kaberle didn’t cough up the puck to Jaro, Diet Cola of Evil during Game 6 of the 2002 ECF, he may not have passed it to Marty Gelinas for the game-winner. If Patrick Roy hadn’t decided to be his usual showboating justice-dodging self and pull his Statue of Liberty act during Game 6 of the 2002 WCF, the Red Wings may not have wound up winning that game and humiliating the Avs in a Game 7 at the Nexus of Evil. If Steve Smith hadn’t own-goaled in Game 7 of the 1986 Campbell Conference Final or Claude Lemieux hadn’t scored in OT of Game 7 in the 1986 Wales Conference Semifinal, then the epic matchup we saw a little over a month ago may have first taken place 20 years ago. If Scott Norwood hadn’t sent that kick wide right, the Bills would have a Super Bowl ring now. If Maurice Richard hadn’t been suspended for something he probably shouldn’t have been suspended for, maybe the Canadiens wouldn’t have been so fired up to win 5 Cups in a row starting the year after his suspension ended. Who knows? Who can say?

And by the way, if you ignored all the division games this season, the ‘Canes would have been first in the East by a good four points or so and the Oilers would have been third seed in the West. Interpret that as you will.