(apologies to Dives and the other folks from Wipe Club. This transcript also may or may not reflect actual game events)
Maurice: Odd groups got left. Even groups got left. That means 1,3,5,7; left. 2,4,6,8; right. 7 & 8 are Devils groups.
Maurice: OK listen the [censored] up. We are going to skate very very slowly–and by slowly, I mean [censored] slow. If you take a penalty, it means that you are going to lose 50 DKP, because you didn’t know what the [censored] to do. *looks over at defence* And watch the [censored] puck!
Francis: If you get shoved into the Devils bench, you’re going to lose 50 DKP again because you weren’t wherever the [censored] you were supposed to be.
*murmured question from LaRose*
Rowe: There is no playoff reset. There’s some [censored] about a playoff reset when people don’t know how to manage their game. After the first two faceoffs, then you can start taking shots on him–assuming you know how playoff games work, and you don’t overthink.
(later, during the <s>raid</s> game….)
Maurice: (after calling time-out in the first) OK, rush him, shoot on him, then during period 2 we’re going to take as many shots on him as possible. You want to even the score as fast as possible. Have your shot totals up every time, four lines, play through your pain…
(during 2nd period)
Maurice: Crash the net, hits, take the body! I don’t see enough shots! More shots!
(30 seconds later)
Maurice: Come on, more defensive shell! Hit ‘em like you mean it! You’ll have time to rest before Period 3 while I try to come up with a better gameplan.
(during 2nd intermission)
Maurice: Remember to use all of your playoff-prolonging abilities. Feign Death, Vanish, [censored] Fade…anything that you can use to reset the playoffs.
*Rowe and Francis look at Maurice like he’s lost his mind* *players stare blankly*
Maurice: With 40 seconds left, you will stop shots–until then, more shots. More shots, more shots.
Maurice: Come on, more shots! *3 minutes later* K, stop shots.
Maurice: Take that, Brodeur!
*guys on bench wonder wtf they’ve gotten themselves into*
Maurice: Staal, run to center ice! Cole, run to center ice! Ruutu, center ice! Babchuk, center ice! Seidenberg, center ice! Whatever the [censored] you do, do NOT stand next to other people! *players roll their eyes and spread out* Staal, center–just take the faceoff.
*Rowe facepalms, Francis whistles idly, McCarthy sits in the booth, palm over face, thinking “Some blogger is going to have a field day with this tomorrow.”*
Maurice: Go away from their bench, Staal! Watch the puck!
Francis: Babchuk just got shoved into the Devils bench.
Maurice: WHO THE [censored] WAS THAT?! BABCHUK? WHAT. THE [censored]! LEFT SIDE! EVEN SIDE! MANY DEVILS, NOW, HANDLE IT!
Maurice: [long stream of expletives] THAT’S A [censored] 50 DKP MINUS! WHAT THE [censored] WAS THAT [censored]?! If you stand in the right place, there is no [censored] way that you will end up into the goddamn other team’s bench! Whatever hits, [censored] blocker swipe, whatever the [censored]! It’s like one in a [censored] million! From the left faceoff circle, into center ice, into the [censored] Devils bench, it’s not even remotely imaginable!
And I would about say that sums up last night’s game, which I had the displeasure of listening to while going on a Naxxramas raid. Original Wipe Club raid wipe coverage Here–warning, it’s not work-safe.
Yes, this is kinda lame. But since the ‘Canes didn’t bother frellin’ showing up last night, I can’t be arsed to post anything decent for them today.
This is Chancellor Merlin Liao. Merlin is often referred to in our house as “Der Führer”, because he is….well, he’s der Führer. He is the smallest of our cats, and along with that runtiness comes an inversely proportional sense of entitlement and extreme bossiness. Merlin runs the house–he tells us when it’s time to go to bed, he tells us when it’s time to feed the cats, he tells my husband when the TV is too loud and interrupting
me when I am trying to sleep his beauty rest, and so on. You get the picture.
Merlin, like all cats, doesn’t like it when you don’t accept his rule over the household (specifically, he doesn’t like it when my husband doesn’t accept his rule over the household–I, on the other hand, make sure to pay the Pet Tax regularly and feed him twice daily; which mollifies him). So what he will do is wait until the offender falls asleep–at which point he will hop up onto the bed and camp by the target’s head…and he will wait until he is sure that the target is fast asleep.
Then he will growl, camp his front paws on the offender’s head (with his very sharp little claws out), and start pulling on the target’s hair while asserting his status as the true ruler of the house–rather than, say, as the de jure ruler of the house, which is Maximilian’s job.
We call this a “Merlin hat”, and the recipient becomes the object of much derision. Only once have I been the recipient of a Merlin Hat, because I decided to ignore Merlin’s requests for payment of the Pet Tax in favour of getting some sleep. My husband, on the other hand, can count on “getting the Hat” at least thrice weekly.
I had the next day off, so I was up late one night playing WoW while the hubby was at work. He called home.
“Merlin did something very strange last night…”
What did he do?
“Well, I was asleep, when Merlin hopped up on the bed and ran up by my head.”
I sense that this is going somewhere….
“He stared at me for a few minutes, and then he did the strangest thing.”
And that was?
“He growled, and started pulling my hair with his teeth. Then he started humping my head.”
*peals of laughter*
“What’s so funny?”
You got skullfucked by a *cat*?
“It’s not funny.”
No, it’s not funny. It’s hysterically funny! You got skullfucked by a cat?! *falls out of chair laughing*
*husband hangs up*
Why do I tell you this story? Because Merlin has also been known to give somebody the Hat after being humiliated (like when somebody laughs at him or bounces him off the bed), or just on general principle (so that the people know who’s boss or because he got the drop on somebody).
To put this in hockey terms:
So now if you hear me talking about “giving somebody/some team the Hat”, I am referring to this.
This is just too funny, to me.
Why do I pimp this show? Because I like it. It’s why I pimp Top Gear. It’s why I rap nonsensically about the ‘Canes all the time. I’m just happy to share something that I enjoy and that I care about with others. I don’t even need free kit to do it, either (though if Versus could please do something about the camera work on their games–hiring crews from the Ceeb or something–I would be very happy).
Luke DeCock: My ShorDurPerSav since…how long has he written for the ‘Canes now?
(Note: I suggest actually clicking on the link and reading what Luke wrote before popping off a response.)
Oh, those wacky Brits.
One of the more popular programs on British television (and, if you’re lucky, on one of the cable channels late at night) is “Top Gear”–which, by the way, is one of my favorite shows.
Yes, I do like cars. Anyway.
The BBC’s series website for Top Gear has lots of fun little videos up for people to watch. One of the funniest videos on there (and there are several very funny videos–like this one where they tried to kill a Toyota pickup) is this one: