06 Nov 2011 @ 11:24 AM 

Every time I see the Hurricanes’ facebook page, especially after a loss, I weep for humanity.

Well OK, I really just want to put a paper bag over my head and deny any association with some of the morons that post there. Let me give you an example of some of the scintillating intellects over yonder, after Friday night’s beatdown at the hands of the Capitals:

(names omitted to protect the stupid)

“Holy cow! Last year the Boston Bruins were beat 6-1, 5-2, 4-1 twice- and by teams like Atlanta and Pheonix. Chill- its just one game”

In response to a poster who made very cogent and intelligent comments about how the Hurricanes are lacking in the talent department:

“I really don’t think there is that much of a talent gap outside of a top line winger. That’s an excuse, either way”

Yes, because a nickel-and-dimed team that’s at the salary floor is really uber-talented.

And then there’s this gem, from somebody who obviously feels that spelling and punctuation aren’t that important:

“I had the game dvr’d and have watched 2 periods….don’t understand at all some comments i saw earlier about this team quiting in 2 and 3…..some of you are just plain SORE losers. This is a better more competitive team than we have had since the cup year, much better defensively than last year, and more dangerous offensively…..Don’t understand how a win and well played games and you are nowhere to be found, yet a loss and the same old blame game…..If something made me THAT miserable, I’d find something else to do with my time….pull for your team if they are your team, and evaluate critically when they play less than capable of, but the continued this guy that guy, coaching sucks, every time there is a loss, says far more about you than it says about the Carolina Hurricanes….BTW, there are other teams to compete against on the ice, and some of them are pretty darn good…..”

I’m sorry, I don’t speak Idiot. Could you please rephrase that in a language more closely approximating English? Thanks.

And then we have this scintillating conversationalist:

“good god is most of the people posting on here sun shine fans or what, so what we lost because of the refs so stop finding reason to blame one person or persons”

Because, of course, if the Hurricanes have only one penalty called on them the whole night, and get FOUR POWER PLAYS and can’t convert on a single one, it’s CLEARLY the referees’ fault that they lost. And we can’t dare complain about it, because the team is OMGPERFECT!!!!1

But the Post of the Year comes from this moron:

“I truly believe some of you like it when the Canes lose it gives you some kind of cheap satisfaction to post “your” Mo must go”, “Cam was terrible”, “Staal sucks”, “Larose belongs on the 3 line”,comments , i never see half of your names when we win, until you make coach of the N H L , keep your negative comments to yourself ,alot of us are tired of them.”

Yes, because if you’re not all Sunshine and Happiness and Unicorns Farting Rainbows, then you’re just a Bad Fan(tm) who hates the team. HOW DARE YOU SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT THE TEAM, YOU HORRIBLE PEOPLE?! IF YOU WANT TO BE A REAL FAN YOU HAVE TO LOVE THEM AND ONLY SAY GOOD THINGS ABOUT THEM!

Please, give me a break. Fans like this come with the territory, sure–but it drives me freaking mad when actually trying to make a cogent point (for example: Chad LaRose is a great guy and I like him, and he’s the Chuck Norris of Hockey, but he’s a 4th-line energy guy and doesn’t belong anywhere near a Top 6) winds up getting the commenter bombarded with out and out stupidity from people that can’t handle one simple concept:

Just because you’re a fan of a team, that doesn’t mean that you have to believe they can do no wrong.

Really, people. It’s OK to be critical of your favourite team. Nobody’s going to take away your tickets or ban you from the venue for the high crime and misdemeanour of pointing out where you feel the team is falling down on the job. Just try it sometime. Try living in reality for once. I promise, it won’t kill you.

And maybe, just maybe, you may actually sound intelligent for once.

Of course, there are the motards on the opposite end of the spectrum who are just as unintelligent in vocalizing criticisms–but that’s another post.

(p.s. the Hurricanes are going to lose today, because I posted in the blog. Just an FYI.)

 10 Oct 2011 @ 10:52 AM 

I’ve sat here for the last hour or so, trying to figure out how to start this post.

Y’see, the whole summer I’ve nursed a sympathetic anger toward a lot of people–fans mostly, but also a city and an organization.

Yeah, I’m mad that the Thrashers left Atlanta. I’m even more angry that the fans are being blamed for it by morons, and that the former owners of the Thrashers are a bunch of tools that couldn’t even get the fuck out of their own collective way.

See, I’m going to dish out some education to you twatwaffles that have been sackdancing on the heads of the fans in Atlanta: the team didn’t leave because the fans stopped going. The fans only did the same thing that fans on Long Island and in Boston, Vancouver, Chicago, Edmonton, Calgary, Detroit, and a bunch of other “real hockey towns” have done in the past:

They refused to support ownership that didn’t have the slightest interest in winning anything. Real funny how that happens–ownership makes clear they don’t want to win, fans say “F U” and stop giving them money. Hmmm, gee, I dunno. Apparently it’s only acceptable to you arsebiscuits if fans of a Northern team vote with their feet and wallets. If we do it here in the Dirty South, then we’re just a bunch of dumb hicks who don’t deserve a team.

Let me tell you what happened, why the NHL busted their asses to not move Phoenix and to not move Pittsburgh:

Their owners give a damn. Atlanta Spirit couldn’t say the same thing. They’re a bunch of incompetent fools (and I’ll gladly say that to their faces) who not only couldn’t be arsed to try putting together a competitive team, but they also deliberately torpedoed attempts by Tom Glavine to get an ownership group together to buy the Thrashers by saying “If you want the Thrashers, you have to buy the Hawks from us too”–knowing full well that nobody at all would agree to invest if they had to accept a two-fer.

Then along comes True North, and Atlanta Spirit says “SURE, WE’LL SELL YOU JUSTTHE THRASHERS!” And in so doing, they give the middle finger to the fans in Atlanta. And idiots in Winnipeg and elsewhere do their little sackdances and agitate for all southern teams to be contracted, because…well, because they’re idiots.

Fuck y’all haters, and fuck all y’all’s double standards. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, and I’ll keep saying it.

I will never call the Thrashers what the rest of the League is calling them. They are, and will always be called in this space, the Atlanta Thrashers. I hope they win even less than they won in Atlanta. I hope the fans leave the MTS Centre miserable every night because the other 29 teams in the NHL have come into their house and run the score up on their team. And I hope that the Hurricanes, the Lightning, the Predators, the Panthers (of ALL teams!) and the Capitals win about 5 Cups each before the Thrashers make the playoffs again, just as an extra little “F U” to the Moron Brigade. And I hope they all beat the Sabres to do it, too–just because it will amuse me to hear the more unhinged Sabres fans crying “DEY TOOK OUR CURRRRRPS!!“.

In conclusion, I’d just like to say:

Fuck the ‘Peg. I’ve been there, it’s got nothing but Ukes and a Mint.

Posted By: The Acid Queen
Last Edit: 10 Oct 2011 @ 10:54 AM

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 07 Oct 2011 @ 5:51 AM 

So a while back, I chummed the waters on Kukla’s Korner by quipping that new NHL Disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan would let the Red Wings off easy, because he used to play for them and won Cups with them. Predictably, I got a few of the Juggalos up in a tizzy.

Ha ha, very funny, I trolled the Juggalos (which, let’s be honest, isn’t much of an accomplishment given that they’re collectively pretty dim bulbs, and therefore ridiculously easy to troll). But let’s be real here. Let’s set aside the team bias and get serious about something:

Brendan Shanahan’s apparently decided that he’s going to try to be what Clownshoe Colin wasn’t: somebody who actually lays down the freakin’ law. Somebody who LARTs the lusers, as it were. And he’s going to show what the player did to deserve the LARTing with


Oh wait, not science. Video. He’s going to do it with video. Like this one here.

People’s Exhibit A, your honour: Serial recidivist Jody Shelley gets the rest of preseason and five regular-season games for intent to injure. Shanahan explains why, and clearly states that Shelley’s record as a career recidivist factored into the decision.

General consensus is that Shanahan is doing a good job–and I’ll agree that he’s trying. But in my opinion dudeman doesn’t go far enough, especially if he’s trying to send a message to players that engage in cheap shots and try to dish out season-ending (if not career-ending, in the case of Marc Savard) injuries.

He’s got to exercise the Nuclear Option.

Preseason is nothing when it comes to a suspension–I’d have given Shelley the first 15 games of the regular season at least. Why? He’s a career recidivist. Matt Cooke even so much as farts in another player’s direction, BAM! Go play in the KHL son, cos you are done in the NHL. Todd Bertuzzi tries anything (again)? SEEYA! My Golden Bitch? He needs to sit his ass down for a nice chunk of the season the next time he throws an elbow at somebody’s head or tries to take out somebody’s knees. Ovechkin? Same thing. Yes he’s skilled, yes he’s got personality in spades–hell, I LIKE him even though he drives me stark raving mad six times a season–but if you throw cheap shots, Ovie, it’s time for you to go hang out with GMGM in the press box for a while. Hell, any Hurricane that gives out a cheap shot and gets a suspension needs to get a serious suspension just like anyone else. I mean, I’m just sayin’.

The NHLPA wants to grievance it? Let them file a grievance. Seriously, let them cry! There has to be a very clear and very decisive message sent that deliberately injuring another player is UNACCEPTABLE–and giving out heavy suspension action (with accompanying financial hit to the player) is the only way that it’s going to happen.


Posted By: The Acid Queen
Last Edit: 07 Oct 2011 @ 05:51 AM

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 23 Sep 2011 @ 11:53 AM 

Gann Matsuda posted a very powerful commentary on racism in America, in light of a disgusting incident that marred a preseason shootout.

To sum up: A “fan” chucked banana peels at Philadelphia Flyers forward Wayne Simmonds during a preseason game between the Flyers and the Focus of Evil in the Hockey World Detroit Red Wings. One peel hit the ice, the other one didn’t make it to the ice. The miscreant was never caught, and it’s unconfirmed which fanbase he represented–but it’s a pretty sure bet that the peel-tosser is a complete and total coward and a piece of dog mess on the sole of society’s shoe.

If you think the incident was “no big deal” and nothing worthy of outrage, then you’re either stupid or delusional or both. And if you’re a Hurricanes fan and think that this incident is just a laugh and a half, then I cordially invite you to GTFO the fanbase and go find another team to cheer for–because if I find you engaging in that kind of crap at the RBC Center, I swear to Tyr that I will quite gleefully catch a charge for beating your dumb ass down. I’ll even toss in a bonus dick-punch or ten, for forgetting the ugliness of 2002, when some Habs fans in MTL threw bananas (and death threats) at Kevin Weekes after Game 3 and during Game 4 of that year’s ECSF.

Incidents like this are horrible and ugly (no matter how “harmless” they seem), and they only serve to tarnish the image of hockey and its fans. We as fans need to come down hard on asstards like the ‘nanner-chucking clown in London, ON, and state as one that racism has no place in hockey–not because it’s “PC”, not because it’s “suddenly en vogue”, because it’s basic human decency and the right frickin’ thing to do.

Just sayin’.

 08 Sep 2011 @ 6:55 AM 

Yesterday, two things happened in the hockey world. One was of great world-shaking importance, and the other was Sid Crosby’s presser about the progress of his recovery.

Predictably, Sid got major heat for it from people who accused him of being classless and not caring about the dead.

I’m sorry, what? I had no idea the whole world had to stop turning when there was a tragic event. I wept yesterday (and woke up this morning asking the gods to please make today better than yesterday) like many other hockey fans, but you know what? I’m right up there with Adam Proteau of the Hockey News (for once) and David Staples of the Edmonton Journal: That press conference didn’t need delaying or cancelling, and people are just being too damn sensitive. I really fail to see where the insensitivity was–it wasn’t like he cracked jokes about Yaroslavl Lokomotiv being wiped out. He held a simple press conference.

Get over yourselves, people. Sidney Crosby reminded us all yesterday that life goes on, even in the wake of great loss. You don’t have to like it, but you should damn well respect it.



 20 Aug 2011 @ 7:14 PM 

I’ll be back.

Posted By: The Acid Queen
Last Edit: 20 Aug 2011 @ 07:14 PM

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 24 May 2009 @ 5:25 AM 

Bleh. That’s all I have to say about that. Bleh.

This series is going to end on Tuesday unless the Hurricanes do the following:

1) The defence has to pull their collective head out and actually get in the game. Tim Gleason, I’m talking to you. Anton Babchuk, I’m talking to you. Dennis Seidenberg, ich rede mit dir. Expecting Cam to do all the work for you is grossly unfair, don’t you think? Dudeman was PISSED last night, and I don’t blame him one bit for it because he is getting less than no help from his defense. At least three of Malkin’s goals (not to mention a couple of other goals from Crosby and, say, Letang) in this series don’t happen if the defense? doesn’t fall down on the job and manages to clear the puck away from the net or even play the body. The refs have put the whistles away for the playoffs; the least the Hurricanes can do is actually get physical like they need to.

2) The best players on the team play like it. What is so hard about camping in front of Fleury, driving to the net, and doing something other than just firing the puck in the general direction of the net from ten feet out and hoping it goes in?? Come on guys–Chad LaRose may be the Chuck Norris of hockey, but the little dude can only do so much. There’s gotta be more traffic in front of the net, there’s gotta be more consistency that I am just not seeing.

Actually, I take that second part back–mostly–because:

3) Chairman Mo has got to have some faith in his fourth line, for once. Actually, he should have had some faith in his fourth line in the first and second rounds too. Not letting them see the ice more than once a period (if that) has left the rest of the forwards more or less gassed. He’s reverted to type, refusing to roll four lines and running his top three lines into the dirt. That’s not how you win a Cup or even avoid getting humiliated in the Conference Finals, dude. I suggest he watch some tapes from 2006 and see how Lavi did it (despite what the Slugfans will tell you, he won by–among other things–rolling all four lines consistently).

And people wonder why I refuse to believe the man has changed any during his time away from the team. Sheesh.

Posted By: The Acid Queen
Last Edit: 25 May 2009 @ 01:15 PM

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 07 May 2009 @ 12:04 PM 

We’ve all heard it by now: The Coyotes’ owner has filed for bankruptcy and, in response, the NHL has exercised the clause in their loan agreement that allows them to assume control of the team. Jim Balsillie has put forth an overpay of an offer (US$212.5Million) with a stipulation that he gets to immediately move the team to Hamilton before the ink’s even dry on the bill of sale.

And the NHL is going to move that the bankruptcy filing be dismissed.

Ugh. This is all going to be just chock full of Bad Craziness. Nationalistic lines have been drawn; Fans from Canada and the northern US are clamouring for every franchise south of 39° 43′ 20″ N be ripped up and moved or contracted outright, branded as “a failure”. Phoenix fans and the NHL are digging in for some serious trench warfare. Phoenix is being held up as an example of everything that is wrong with the wave of southern expansion that started under John Ziegler and continued under Gary Bettman; I disagree with this.

Is Phoenix as a franchise in trouble? Yes. It’s sad, but true; the ‘Yotes are in serious trouble and may not survive much longer in Phoenix. But does it mean that southern expansion is a complete failure? Tampa, Carolina, and Anaheim would definitely beg to differ. Atlanta, Nashville, and Florida would beg to differ too–their travails are no different from what the Islanders, Blackhawks, Bruins, and even the Sabres have (or in the case of the Bruins and Sabres, had) to deal with; bad management that’s more interested in profit over results (or, if you’re the Sabres, a crook for an owner–see “Rigas, John”), and crap seasons that have driven all but the most die-hard of die-hards away. And yet, because of their geographical location, Atlanta, Nashville, and Florida are regularly targeted as “failures” and calls are made to move them.

Which brings us to Jim Balsillie, who apparently feels that he can do whatever he wants because half the planet has a Crackberry. I’ve ranted in the past that he should be allowed to be an owner; I still think that he should be allowed to be an owner, because I think that in the long run an enthusiastic owner will be good for the NHL.

HOWEVER: The Forms Must Be Obeyed. I get that he wants to give a team to the folks in Hamilton, and I am OK with that. But it’s not going to get done by trying to do an end run around the NHL and trying to use bankruptcy proceedings to force a sale. It’s not going to get done by putting up a website and holding press conferences and fighting with the rest of the owners to try to force his way in. That’s my issue with the guy. Yes, he’s been honest about what he wants to do with any team that he buys, Cup-winner status be damned. But Jim Balsillie has got to learn to work with the NHL rather than against the NHL.

As for the Coyotes? *sigh*  If they absolutely have to move, then I think that they need to go right back up to the ‘Peg rather than to Hamilton. It would be the right thing to do.

Posted By: The Acid Queen
Last Edit: 07 May 2009 @ 12:04 PM

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 22 Apr 2009 @ 10:23 AM 

OK, now you’ve all gone and done it. You’ve all gone and pissed me right the hell off.

Hurricanes: HOW THE FRELL DO YOU BLOW A LEAD LIKE THAT?!  I was ready to march down to the RBC Center and slap some people, starting with Paul “defensive shell” Maurice. Really–when you are up 3-0, you DON’T sit back and camp the lead, especially against a team whose top line has outscored yours by 10-1! You press the attack. You keep it moving. You DON’T camp your own zone and pray that the clock runs out before your lead does! Even I know that, and I’m not a coach!


And then we have the game-winning goal, which has all and sundry Devils fans (and Marty Brodeur) crying and whining “WAAAAAAAH INTERFERENCE WAAAAAAAH!”  Yeah, I really loved turning on Hockey This Morning on XM and hearing that tool Charles from Texas talking about how “Bro-DURR” was interfered with when the video shows that the contact was incidental AND that Brodeur was outside the crease by two and a half frellin’ feet! This is NOT Republican Rome, and Martin Brodeur is NOT one of the Plebeian Tribunes. He is not inviolate, people. No goalie is inviolate when he leaves his crease. Get over it. Now our third goal?  OK, there you could make a very compelling case for interference. But the game-winner?  That’s just sour grapes, right there.


My final dose of ire is directed at the classless bags of mostly ass that decided to embarrass me by throwing crap at Brodeur after the game.  What the hell were you morons thinking?!  Were you thinking?  By what frakking measure is it acceptable to throw things at an opposing player?  I wouldn’t even condone acting like that toward the Detroit gods-damned Red Wings–AND I HATE THEM! I would love to see one of you drooling garbage-chucking idiots try to justify to me how it is acceptable to throw things at an opposing player as he leaves the ice. Really. And try to do it without calling me a puckbunny or telling me I don’t know anything about hockey (thus exposing yourself as a complete know-nothing).

And, in closing, I just want to say thank you to Mike Keenan for trading Roberto Luongo OUT of the Southeast Division. Sorry, Blues fans.

 13 Apr 2009 @ 9:03 PM 

I finally get a decent amount of time to devote to the blog again (now that I’ve finished my first six months at the yob), and my back goes kablooie again.

I spend 2 days flat on my back and another 2 weeks trying to stretch and traction it back into shape with the help of meds, and the ‘Canes make the playoffs.

The ‘Canes make the playoffs, and I finally have a decent amount of time to devote to the blog again.

And we’re facing the Devils again. What a coincidence among coincidences.

I’m not very happy that the ‘Canes decided to lay down on the job in front of Michael Leighton on the last day of the season. I caught bits and pieces of the game while I was at work, and wasn’t really thrilled with what I was hearing.


I will give Paul Maurice due props for the work he and his staff have done with the team so far. Make no mistake, I miss Peter Laviolette and I will never speak ill of him (unlike, say, the Great Leader)–but he should have been allowed to leave after the 2006-2007 season. Coaches like Lavi and my favourite Spicy Italian, John Tortorella, who coach very aggressive and unadaptable styles of play, have a very short half-life unless everything goes just right all the time. The minute things go wrong, the rate of decay begins to speed up until you have what amounts to gold turning into lead.

Chairman Mo, on the other hand, has surprised me by showing that he’s learned to adapt to what he has to hand. I still see fragments of the defensive shell that drove me barking mad during his first go-round, but this time it’s actually doing something that I never thought I would see.

It’s working.

That said; for me to eat any crow when it comes to Paul Maurice as Hurricanes coach, the crow’s going to have to be served in the bowl of the Stanley Cup after a Game 6 win. And if it’s delicately seasoned with the bitter tears of Red Wings fans, so much the better.

Which brings me to my next topic as we head into the playoffs: Hate vs. Respect. For this, I will bring out Crown’s Exhibit A: The Detroit Red Wings.

As anyone alive knows, I hate the Red Wings and have for almost 30 years. I hated them when the Norris family was running the team into the ground. I hated them when they went from asstacular to decent. I hated them when they won their last 4 Cups. I’ve always just flat never liked them.

But I respected them.  I respected them when they were shitty, because of their history. I respected them when they started getting decent, because they were trying. And I respect them now, because they’re an example of what happens when you formulate a plan and stick with it. They’re an example of great scouting (take a look at when Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk were taken in their drafts–not even Lou Lamoriello could pull off something like that). They’re an example of astute management. And they’re an example of outstanding development and coaching.

Do I wish my team was the Red Wings?  If you mean, “do I wish that my team would actually try to emulate a team growth model that works” (hint to ‘Canes manglement: that means “knock off the penny-ante bulldada and invest in some actual scouting and development”), then the answer is yes. If you mean, “do I wish that the fanbase was loaded with the hockey equivalent of Wal-Mart UNC fans”, then the answer is of course oh hell no. I’d like to not be embarrassed by my fellow fans, thanks.

(aside: What do a State fan and a UNC fan have in common?  Neither of them went to UNC. *rimshot*)

Thank you, I’ll be here all playoffs. Pass the mead.

 25 Apr 2008 @ 12:22 PM 

OK, so.

OK, let me see if I have this right:

Canadiens fans boo another country’s anthem before home games in the playoffs–and have to be told by the PA dude not to do so.

They torch police cars, loot stores, and cause general mayhem after winning the first freaking round.

One of them chucks a beer into the penalty box, to cheers from his seatmates (and nothing was done by Bell Centre staff, from what I saw–except of course to clean the glass off after the game).

Six years ago, several of them tossed ‘nanners and sling racial slurs at a black player after an OT win during the second round–and the rest of that lot claimed that it was really the opposing team’s fans in disguise, just trying to make the Canadiens look bad.

And then of course we have Jack Todd. I’ll stop myself before I go off on that jackass again.

And they have the nerve to call us rednecks?

WE didn’t riot after winning the first round. We didn’t even riot after winning the Finals in 2006. The ONE time I heard some asshat in the stands refer to a black player with a racist epithet, everyone sitting around him threatened to throw the toolbag over the glass so he could call the player that again to his face–and when toolbag demurred, he was told to STFU and stop embarrassing all the rest of us.

I’m sure some Habs troll will show up and say “I won’t be back, but I wanted to say GO HABS and we are more passionate than you are because we do all these things”, but you know what?  Fuck y’all in your ears. I’d rather be classy than “passionate”, if “passionate” means “being on a level with the drunken thugs that invaded the RBC during the 2006 ECF.”

I was cheering for the 10-megaton surface burst in this series (because I have no love for Montreal or Philly), but I may have to rethink my position.

Actually…no. I’m still barracking for the 10MT surface burst.

And the Rangers take on the Pens (and the Sharks throw down with the Stars) in their respective Game 1s tonight. Give ‘em Hell, Harry.

Posted By: The Acid Queen
Last Edit: 25 Apr 2008 @ 12:22 PM

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 03 Mar 2008 @ 12:54 PM 

WTF is it about Florida that makes players on their teams so whiny?

Is it the water? Is it too much sun? Is there something being put in those fantastic Cuban sammiches? What is it?

Case in point: Saturday’s beatdown of the Lightning. Yeah, we pwned face, 5-1. Welcome to Tampa, Mike Smith. I’m sure you’ll be hopping a makeshift raft out of there at the earliest opportunity.

But yeah–the St. Pete Times’ mediot-in-chief, Damien Homerdero, is all up in the whining about the game:

Lightning defenseman Dan Boyle still cannot believe he was called for a roughing penalty on Carolina’s Erik Cole in the second period of Saturday night’s game.

“Cole’s about 240 (actually 205 pounds) and I put my hand on his face and he does a summersault, 360 (degrees) on the ice,” Boyle said. “He was shocked he didn’t get a (diving) call. I saw his face afterward.”

Hey Danny-boy, guess what:


You see where your stick is? You should have been called for a tripping penalty, son. Moreover, allow me to quote for you Rule 51.1 (that would be “Roughing”):

Roughing – Roughing is a punching motion with the hand or fist, with
or without the glove on the hand, normally directed at the head or face
of an opponent.

Now, in futbol that would be a facemask penalty. Is it a borderline call? Possibly–but I freaking watched you drop the glove and try to rip Cole’s face off, dude. You got caught, you got called, you sat for 2 minutes, so GTF over it.

And of course, Homerdero goes on to whine about our “reputation” as divers. Wow, I guess the Lightning are so desperate that their players, coaches, and even their mediots are hopping on the Panthers’ bus and calling us divers because they can’t come up with anything better.


Anyway–Canes are off until Wednesday, when they play the Thrashers in the ATL.  Mahalo.



 06 Feb 2008 @ 1:20 PM 

For those who listened to NHL Live today to hear Don and EJ goof on me, here is what I wrote from the depths of my server room:


If the only way the Hurricanes can make the playoffs is to be third-by-default, then I don’t want them to make the playoffs at all. Period.

2004 and 2006 were supposed to be the new paradigm for the rest of the Southeast Division to live up to. The new “no more Southleast” idea was supposed to be the banner that the Hurricanes would rally around as they marched out of the depths of slack-ass mediocrity.

What we have here now? It wasn’t supposed to happen. Our defense wasn’t supposed to suck, our offense wasn’t supposed to just go poof after October ended, and 2007 was supposed to become a quickly fading memory as the Hurricanes went on another deep playoff run. It was supposed to be better. It was supposed to be a corner-turning, the proverbial dawn of a new day, but instead the Hurricanes are once again stuck at the light with a tank full of fumes and falling toward another 2002-2003 style Season From Hell.

And the killer for me? I see no urgency. I get no “oh crap, we gotta get on it” vibe.

If that’s all that the Hurricanes want to do–rest on old laurels–then I hope they never make the playoffs again.

It hurts me in my heart to say that, but it’s time for some serious toughlove on the part of this fan.

Sorry for writing instead of calling, but I’m stuck in a server room with no phone at the moment.



For the record: The year the Hurricanes won the Cup, they were second in the East–by ONE point. The third seed (who was third-by-default) was New Jersey with 101 points. The Sabres were third-on-points with 110.

Also: It’s the settling for third-by-default that leads to people bashing the Southeast. Nevermind that the Central is the weakest division in the NHL, with the Red Wings feasting on all their conference rivals (except for Chicago)–people habitually expect the Southeast Division to be the mediocre division, largely because they are mediocre. Or rather, because they tend to play like it. And the fans just settle for it. “Oh, third seed is good enough.”

Screw that. Go hard or go freaking home already. Don’t freaking settle.

 08 Dec 2007 @ 10:32 PM 

Dear Red Wings fans,

I see your IP addresses. You’re here hoping to hear me sling some good old-fashioned hate at your beloved Red Wings.

You’re hoping to see me drop an angerbomb or two about 2002, possibly wind up soiling yourselves with glee at seeing me rant nonsensically about how much I hate you personally, hate your team, hate your town (Congratulations on being named the Most Dangerous City in America, by the way. I’m sure y’all are SO proud), and how mortally ashamed I am at half my maternal relatives being fans of that gods-cursed team with the second-assiest fans in the NHL.


I think that five years of hearing “oh, you’re just jealous that we’ve won three Cups in the last ten years” and “oh, you’re just upset over 2002″ despite signed affidavidts from my closest relatives that I’ve hated all the sports teams in Detroit (including and especially the Red Wings and the Pistons) since I was a child is more than enough. I’m tired of being told how I really feel by a bunch of arrogant besserwissern that have known me all of two years (and even then, not all that well). I’m tired of the disrespect that comes with the attitude that everyone else should just roll over and die for the Mighty Detroit Red Wings–especially when that disrespect comes from frontrunning mouthbreathers that wouldn’t know Alex Delvecchio if he walked up to them on the street and cross-checked them. I’m tired of the frontrunning attitude, tired of the excusemaking and double-standardization associated with the attendance woes in Detroit, tired of little two-faced bitches like Mitch Albom that come here and enjoy our hospitality one day only to turn around and trash us the next.

Suffice it to say that I hope the Hurricanes win tomorrow in much the same manner that they won tonight–through the unrestrained use of excessive force. A few small incendiary devices wouldn’t hurt either, but I’ll take what I can get.

Now fuck off back to your slums and your decaying auto plants and your self-important assholery. And please take my mother’s father’s relatives with you.

Go Canes.

 15 Nov 2007 @ 2:52 PM 

Yeah, so over at the FanHouse there’s a post from Jes Golbez about the Red Wings’ little planecrash the other day.

I say “little”, because they went off the damn runway at like 5 MPH. That’s it. The pilots cut it a bit too close when making a turn, and one of the wheel assemblies went into the grass like The Stig in a wingless Koenigsegg CCX (though not nearly as fast and with fewer divots being thrown about).

Note that nobody else really talked about it. Why? Because it’s not like the plane went plummeting out of the sky or anything–that would be some serious business, and the only person on the planet who would point and laugh would be some embittered loser on USENET. Not even I would wish that on the Red Wings, and I loathe that team the way a Yankees fan loathes the Red Sox. What they did was the equivalent of Cory Stillman’s airbag deploying after he slid into a pole coming out the RBC lots one day after practice. It was something that was scary at the time, but when you look back on it you can giggle because nobody was seriously hurt or killed.

Jes, of course, poked fun at it in that “Oh man, bet you won’t do THAT again” sort of way. He got silly, as he is wont to do–and lo, there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth. The comments made me roar with even more laughter than the original story did, because so many people decided to get all up in “bleeding heart” mode. Veiled threats, misplaced rage, and general stupidity abound as everyone screams and hollers that Jes dared to make fun of something that wound up being not all that serious.

The plane didn’t blow up on the runway. It didn’t go down in flames. All that happened was that it went partially off the tarmac into the mud.

Lighten up, Francis. Laugh, roll your eyes, and move the hell on already.


 07 May 2007 @ 11:17 AM 

So–a SlugThug has decided to engage me in the commentbox of this post, claiming that the Hurricanes are “one of the 5 worst champions of the last 20 years” (let me guess, the 1999 Dallas Stars are in that group too, right?) and that “the numbers prove it”. He’s blithely ignored requests from one of my compadres to explain the Sabres’ craptacular record against the Southeast Division in 05-06 by invoking the “everything I say three times is true” rule, and he’s apparently decided to come back and attempt to reassert whatever dominance he thinks he’s already asserted after a two-week hiatus (gee, couldn’t have ANYTHING to do with the Sabres advancing to the ECF now, would it?)

Oh!  I see what you did there.

I get what he’s trying to do–he’s trying to browbeat me into “admitting” that the ‘Canes “stole” a Cup that “rightfully” belonged to the Sabres last season. He’s trying to maneuver me into “admitting” that the Hurricanes “didn’t deserve to win” a Cup that “belonged” to the Sabres (even though their team’s name is not now and never has been on it). And that’s not going to happen. That’s never going to happen–and you know why?

Because the team that deserves it is the team that wins it. Always. Breaks or no breaks, great luck or not-so-great luck.

I believe I have mentioned something like this before–not my fault if you choose to disregard it, kids (and hey, whaddaya know, I also said something in the past about acting the fool in another team’s house–hey wow, the more things change…)

You can claim that Buffalo has more thuggish better fans (which makes me laugh, considering that their attendance was worse than the Hurricanes’ at the start of this decade–and the Rigas debacle is not an acceptable excuse, Sabres fans. If the Leafs could sell out their building year after year in the 70s and 80s despite incompetent/criminal ownership and a bottom-feeding team, you should have done the same), you can claim that Buffalo is a festering cesspit a better town, you can claim whatever you want–but the cream always rises to the top, whether one likes it or not. If the Sabres win–and that is still a huge IF, because they haven’t even started the Conference Finals yet much less the Cup Finals–then, obviously, they deserve it despite the genetic sludge that comprises the overwhelming bulk of their fanbase and good for them.

But you can’t have it both ways, bittermen. You can’t claim that the Hurricanes were 2nd in the East only because they play in the Southeast Division without admitting that the Sabres are 1st overall because they played well in the Northeast Division (with an identical divisional record to the 05-06 Hurricanes, I might add: 18-11-3).

You also can’t bash the N&O for trying to cater to n00b fans last season without bashing Buffalo’s mayor for talking this season about how the Sabres have attracted a bunch of n00bs (NYT link, login required) that didn’t follow hockey before.

But I guess none of that counts, since the Hurricanes are south of the Mason-Dixon Line–right?


Go to Hel, Buffalo–and take the Red Wings with you.

 05 Mar 2007 @ 9:03 AM 

A: When you lead with the shoulder.

We’ve all seen the video and read the reports (and a few message board posts, and a few other blog posts), so we know what happened. On a night when Hall of Fame cheapshot artist Scott Stevens was in the Swamp, Devils thug Cam Janssen decided to line up Maple Leafs defenseman Tomas Kaberle behind the play and level him with a Stevens-style “lead with the shoulder, leave your feet, and follow through with the elbow” hit.

Let’s go to the videotape.

As you can see, Kaberle did not have the puck–it having left his stick a full second before (as opposed to the Neil hit on Briere–which, though iffy, was close enough to the play to be considered a late-stage part of the play*). Janssen left his feet when delivering his check, and you see the elbow come up for the follow-through. Gee, I wonder: where have we seen stuff like this before? At least the dirty little shitbag didn’t stand over the guy gloating.

What galls me is this:

1) No penalty, even though there were officials looking RIGHT THE HELL AT THE HIT. Let’s hear it for referee incompetence! *I* could make a better referee than 90% of the current crop in the NHL….and I can’t even skate!

I quote from Rule 47: Charging (a penalty that never seems to get called, even when it needs to be–like the other night):

Charging shall mean the actions of a player who, as a result of distance traveled, shall violently check an opponent in any manner. A “Charge” may be the result of a check into the boards, into the goal frame or in open ice.

  1. A minor or major penalty shall be imposed on a player who skates or jumps into, or charges an opponent in any manner.
  2. When a major penalty is imposed under this Rule for a foul resulting in an injury to the face or head of an opponent, a game misconduct shall be imposed, and an automatic fine of one hundred dollars ($100).

Yeah, hello? Some gutless puke lines up a guy behind the play to take him out with a 100-point shoulder-and-elbow combo, and leaves his feet while doing it (for the Devils fans reading-impaired: That’s called “jumping into somebody”)…and there’s no penalty? Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Do these guys even read their own damn rulebook?

No wonder the NHL is seen as clownshoes by non-fans–the officials are a bunch of Keystone Kops who are too busy tripping over their skatelaces and showing off their leet non-reffing skillz for the fans that they can’t be bothered to actually enforce the blasted rules.

2) A measly 3-game suspension. Is the “3″ button the only button that Clownshoe Colin knows how to push? Not that I’m still irate over Erik Cole’s broken neck or anything, but hello? WTF was that, Colin? A chicken-bone for the dog? What would it have been if Kaberle’s neck had been broken–five games? Four and a required viewing of a video about workplace injuries?

It’s garbage like this that leaves the NHL relegated to being the fifth of the Big Four Sports–and I don’t see it getting any better while fuckheads like Clownshoe Colin and Gary the Magical Talking Ass are in charge.

(BTW Leafs fans, don’t be surprised at your team’s non-response to this. It’s one of the hallmarks of a Mo-coached team.)

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