Sweet Tea, Barbecue, and Bodychecks

(apologies to Dives and the other folks from Wipe Club. This transcript also may or may not reflect actual game events)

Maurice:  Odd groups got left. Even groups got left. That means 1,3,5,7; left. 2,4,6,8; right. 7 & 8 are Devils groups.

*muttering*

Maurice: OK listen the [censored] up. We are going to skate very very slowly–and by slowly, I mean [censored] slow. If you take a penalty, it means that you are going to lose 50 DKP, because you didn’t know what the [censored] to do.  *looks over at defence* And watch the [censored] puck!

Francis: If you get shoved into the Devils bench, you’re going to lose 50 DKP again because you weren’t wherever the [censored] you were supposed to be.

*murmured question from LaRose*

Rowe: There is no playoff reset. There’s some [censored] about a playoff reset when people don’t know how to manage their game. After the first two faceoffs, then you can start taking shots on him–assuming you know how playoff games work, and you don’t overthink.

(later, during the <s>raid</s> game….)

Maurice: (after calling time-out in the first) OK, rush him, shoot on him, then during period 2 we’re going to take as many shots on him as possible. You want to even the score as fast as possible. Have your shot totals up every time, four lines, play through your pain…

(during 2nd period)

Maurice: Crash the net, hits, take the body!  I don’t see enough shots!  More shots!

(30 seconds later)

Maurice: Come on, more defensive shell! Hit ‘em like you mean it! You’ll have time to rest before Period 3 while I try to come up with a better gameplan.

(during 2nd intermission)

Maurice: Remember to use all of your playoff-prolonging abilities. Feign Death, Vanish, [censored] Fade…anything that you can use to reset the playoffs.

*Rowe and Francis look at Maurice like he’s lost his mind* *players stare blankly*

Maurice: With 40 seconds left, you will stop shots–until then, more shots. More shots, more shots.

(3rd Period)

Maurice: Come on, more shots! *3 minutes later* K, stop shots.

(Whitney scores)

Maurice: Take that, Brodeur!

*guys on bench wonder wtf they’ve gotten themselves into*

Maurice:  Staal, run to center ice! Cole, run to center ice! Ruutu, center ice! Babchuk, center ice! Seidenberg, center ice! Whatever the [censored] you do, do NOT stand next to other people! *players roll their eyes and spread out* Staal, center–just take the faceoff.

*Rowe facepalms, Francis whistles idly, McCarthy sits in the booth, palm over face, thinking “Some blogger is going to have a field day with this tomorrow.”*

Maurice: Go away from their bench, Staal! Watch the puck!

Rowe: Devils.

Francis: Babchuk just got shoved into the Devils bench.

Maurice: WHO THE [censored] WAS THAT?!  BABCHUK? WHAT. THE [censored]! LEFT SIDE! EVEN SIDE! MANY DEVILS, NOW, HANDLE IT!

*Devils score*

Maurice: [long stream of expletives] THAT’S A [censored] 50 DKP MINUS! WHAT THE [censored] WAS THAT [censored]?! If you stand in the right place, there is no [censored] way that you will end up into the goddamn other team’s bench! Whatever hits, [censored] blocker swipe, whatever the [censored]! It’s like one in a [censored] million! From the left faceoff circle, into center ice, into the [censored] Devils bench, it’s not even remotely imaginable!

********************************************

And I would about say that sums up last night’s game, which I had the displeasure of listening to while going on a Naxxramas raid. Original Wipe Club raid wipe coverage Here–warning, it’s not work-safe.

Yes, this is kinda lame. But since the ‘Canes didn’t bother frellin’ showing up last night, I can’t be arsed to post anything decent for them today.

1. "Dave Schultz" says:

   16 April, 2009 at 8:23 pm

   you’re right it’s full of WoW stuff that I don’t fully get. HOWEVER, it also reminds me of those crazy coach ads on NHL network where the guy’s talking out of his ass, everyone knows it, he knows it, but just keeps going anyways. I love those damn commercials. Here’s to a better game tomorrow! GO CANES!