Sweet Tea, Barbecue, and Bodychecks

Hairy Gelrose to replace Fidel Tortorella as Lightning Coach – Toronto Star by way of TSN

The Leafs fans on TSN, of course, are hoping that Tortorella comes to coach the Leafs–boy, won’t they be in for a shock when they realize after the first season and a half that Fidel is a coach whose half-life is measured in Planck Time. I mean, really. His harsh uber-disciplinarian style has a distressing tendency to grate on the players, and after a while all but the most fanatical will simply stop listening to him go on and on and on about La Revolucion Gloriosa because they just flat aren’t interested anymore.

Mind you though, they were all over having Chairman Mo as their coach three seasons ago, and look at how that turned out–there’s just no telling those Leafs fans anything, I guess.

Anyway, about MulletMan–sure, the guy took the Kings to the Finals in 93 (where they choked a series lead to the Habs, who SUCK…just sayin’), but aside from that he has done bobkes except for sit and rap about hockey for Bristol. Sure, The President of the Show may be a buddy of his, but c’mon; I am really not seeing that this is an upgrade coaching-wise for the Lightning.

Future Owner Oren Koules (who shall henceforth known in this space as FOOK) is reportedly barracking for this sea change in order to sell hockey in a market where home games already sell out much of the time–which just tells me that dudeman has his head up his ass even more than I originally thought, given that Tampa is currently 8th in the League in attendance.

Sorry Lightning fans–expect more rough seas ahead, but be glad…at least you’re not playing at the Trop anymore.

Canucks prospect Luc Bourdon killed in motorcycle crash — TSN

The exact circs, we don’t know about. According to what’s been released so far, Luc collided with a transport truck. Vancouver blogger Darren Barefoot had a commenter post that there were winds and a tragic wardrobe malfunction involved, but that report is of course being treated by this blogger as highly unsubstantiated.

Just a freakin’ tragedy.

And for all the sympathy and condolences, there of course always has to be one fuckhead in the crowd comparing it in a sidelong manner to (in this case) Dany Heatley’s accident even though there is nothing at all yet released to suggest that alcohol, drugs, or even simple recklessness was involved. Good job sport, you get the Asshat of the Week Award. Hope you’re happy with yourself.

My sincerest condolences to the Bourdon family and the Vancouver Canucks. May Luc be dining tonight with his honoured ancestors.

Just when I was certain that the Penguins were done, they surprise me by actually bothering to show up and win Game 3. Whether it was because they bothered to actually show up or the Red Wings decided that they had the series in the bag and could slack off (or, as Wings fans will undoubtedly put it, “decided to be nice and let them have a game”), we may never know.

What we do know is that when he needed to, Sidney Crosby did what a captain has to do and led his team to victory.

Game 4 on Saturday. Hope the Pens can tie it up heading back to the Nexus of Evil, so that we’ll actually have a series for the first time in two months.

That’s what I am thinking of the Penguins after last night’s debacle in the Nexus of Evil. Just freakin’ pathetic.

If this series doesn’t end in a sweep, I will be surprised. Hells, at least the ‘02 Hurricanes (a team full of “scrubs, has-beens, and career minor-leaguers” was what one embittered Leafs fan called them) managed to make a series of it. And don’t let the 4-1 series result fool you, either: The only game the Hurricanes weren’t really “in” was Game 4–and even then they fought tooth and nail. They at least died with their boots on.

The Penguins, on the other hand, seem to just be playing like they’re just there to grab some saganaki down in Greektown. There are several players I’d like to punch in the face right now.

I’d like to punch Rob Scuderi in the face for being out of position last night and getting accidentally clocked in the grill by his own teammate.

I’d like to punch Hal Gill in the face for accidentally clocking his own teammate in the grill.

I’d like to punch Gary Roberts in the face for his punk-ass cheap shot (and his even more punk-ass excuse) on Johan Franzen.

I’d like to punch Johan Franzen in the face for playing the “oh, it was my fault” card–but I can wait until he’s officially over his concussion.

I’d like to punch the rest of the Unspeakables in the face, just because it would be very satisfying to take shots at a team that is The Focus of Evil In The Hockey World.

I’d like to punch Michel Therrien in the face for being the same “boo hoo, the refs are out to get us, boo hoo” numbnut that he was in Montreal after the Molson Miracle.

I’d like to punch Brooks Orpik in the face on general principle, and while wearing an Erik Cole jersey. You think he could get the puck without boarding somebody? 

And I’d like to punch Sidney Crosby in the face because he’s overexposed, overhyped, and Ovechkin is better–and if he had a better goaltender and better guys around him, he’d prove it.

Game 3 is tomorrow in Pittsburgh. Hopefully the Pens wake up and pull their heads out their asses so that they can make this the first truly exciting series since the first round. Their opponent deserves better than what they’re getting right now.

Yes, I watched. I forced myself to watch, even though a large part of me wanted to put a brick through the TV when Doc Emrick started going on and on about how everyone wanted this matchup.

Everyone except, of course, for me. But we’ve already covered that.

Marc-Andre Fleury came charging out of the tunnel, as he always does, and took a tumble–I knew it was a bad sign, especially when the Unspeakables staffer/puck patrol/whatever guy camped right by the exit started laughing at him (and I wouldn’t have noticed had the camera not been on dudeman at the time). Real classy, that.

The ceremonial puck-drop was a nice touch, but fuck me did Steve Yzerman ever look tiny next to Mario Lemieux!

Overall impressions of the game:

The Penguins played a good first period, which seemed to set the Unspeakables back a pace. During intermission I’m sure all the guys that were around back then brought up 2002 and how the ‘Canes managed to hang with them until that third overtime, because second and (especially) third periods brought the pain.

The Pens played like they were young. The Unspeakables played like they wanted to show that their e-peens really are as big as their Central Division record indicates. It was disconcerting, watching the Penguins run around in the last period like they were just flat out of gas.

Work with me people, I’m really trying to mute the bile here.

*ahem* Anyway.

One thing that really bugged me about the Pens’ lineup was Michel Therrien’s decision to start messing with the line combos. Crosby with Hossa and Dupuis works–why mess it up by putting Crosby with Malkin? Stick with what works, chief.

Record of note: Since 1996, the Unspeakables are 13 and 1 in the Cup Finals. And yes, that blemish gives me a little bit of satisfaction.

Game 2 on Monday at 8. Let’s see if the Pens can turn it around.

The Finals. Yay.

The nightmare will soon be over. As happy as I am for my wife, I just find it so hard to seriously get behind the Pens because of the gross overexposure of Sidney Crosby (and of course there’s that whole Orpik thing. And the flamage I got from a few folks when the Pens signed Billy the Rapist–who, thankfully, is back in prison like the serial recidivist that he is). But I’m on their bus pro forma, because of who they are facing:

Detroit. 

Anyone who can read knows how I feel. I wish the Hurricanes had won in 2002, because then the Yankees Fans of the NHL wouldn’t immediately accuse me of lying when I say that I have hated their team to increasing degrees for the last 27 years (i.e. since I started watching hockey–I am 37. For Detroit fans, that means I started watching hockey when I was 10).

Such idiocy has, rather than shut me up, only served to inflame my hatred to the point where if Al Qaeda had a hockey team and they were playing the Red Wings, I would be in the stands wearing a burqa and holding a sign saying “GO OSAMA GO” in Pashtun, Arabic, and whatever other language they wanted me to say it in because I am many things–but despite what those arrogant frontrunning e-peen challenged bullies would have you believe, I am not a liar.

So, I’ll be watching the Finals, but for me it will be like watching a slow-motion train wreck because I am lukewarm at best toward one team and hate the other team to the point of near-irrationality.

Hopefully it ends quickly. Go Pens.

Blah.

I had this big rant all ready to post, but I decided to just fuhgeddaboudit.

Maybe I’ll post it later.

Good luck, Pens fans. You will need it.

Laviolette keeps job — LSB

After keeping us all on pins and needles for weeks after the end of the season, JimR has finally made it official–Peter Laviolette is staying on as coach of the Hurricanes.

I had gotten some juicy rumours dropped on me regarding possible replacements (Chairman Mo was NOT one of those possible replacements), as well as a possible destination for our beloved coach (conjecture was that ATL would have had him on their payroll inside of 36 hours). But since I couldn’t substantiate them I didn’t feel comfortable posting them–after all, I’m not charging all y’all $texas for the “privilege” of reading complete and total codswallop and made-up “CONFIRMED TRADE IN THE WORKS” stories that are cribbed from message boards.

So, yeah. The Samsonov signing should have been a sign, but of course it wasn’t. Great Leader wanted to rap with the coach, and word around the campfire is that PK told Lavi that the ball is rather firmly lodged in his court–so Lavi was the master of his own fate. He loves it here, his family loves it here, and he wanted to stay–and so Great Leader let him stay.

I just hope that we can avoid a “three months of suck” this time around, because…well…that sucked.

Have any of you ever had a moment where something way juicy dropped RIGHT into your lap, but you couldn’t share it with anyone?

I’m having that kind of a moment.

Just wanted to throw that out there. As soon as I know something, you will know something.

As all seven of you are no doubt aware, Peter Laviolette is still officially in limbo here–will he stay, will he go?  Who knows?  I’ve got this absolutely sick feeling that Lavi’s going to get the boot and wind up in Atlanta, while we’ll get Chairman Mo back behind our bench. HOPEfully it’s just the mead talking, because if Mo comes back I can about guarantee you that we’ll see triple-digit attendance at the RBC Center if we’re lucky and we’re playing Ottawa on a Tuesday.

If Lavi goes, don’t be surprised if a company man gets the job barring a miracle. Crazy Ron I don’t want to see here–I don’t think he’ll sit well with the populace–though Joel Quenneville (former member of the ‘86 Whalers team) would be nice to have, as a nice nod to the team’s past (the Avs’ recent playoff performance notwithstanding–sorry Avs fans, but the Hurricanes kinda roont Jose Theodore for y’all way back in ‘02).

The folks at The Hockey Show have put together a fun little video for all y’all–Bret of the Gimpy Hip and his lovely wife Kristi Yamaguchi take the viewer behind the scenes of her rehearsals for Dancing With The Stars (which, unlike EJ Hradek, I do NOT watch), and Gimpy learns to do the Cha Cha.

I’ve really had a hard time getting into the playoffs, since the four teams that are left are teams that I either despise (Detroit, who I hope gets bought and moved to someplace like Apalachicola, FL the instant Mike Ilitch kicks it) or intensely dislike (Dallas, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh). But since Wife 1A is a Pens fan, I’m suckin’ it up and waving a black-and-gold pompom for her.

ECF Game 3 in Philadelphia tonight. Puck drops at 7:30 at the Wachovia Center, and it should be an interesting game. Wonder if the Pflyers will try to get down and dirty with Evgeni “Slewfoot” Malkin?

Don Waddell asked to accept a lateral transfer — Bristol

Wow, somebody in Atlanta Spirit’s brain trust has (apparently) finally pulled his/her head out and realized that they need a GM with a clue for the Thrashers.

Of course, this being Atlanta I’m sure there’s going to be some kind of strange-ass soap opera surrounding all of this (and the hiring of the new GM).

Also, Versus was kind enough to release their Conference Finals schedule:

Set your DVRs.

I know, the World Championships are like the NIT of hockey–if you don’t make the playoffs or your team gets bounced, you play for your country in the World Championships with guys from your homeland that didn’t make it into (or are retired from) the NHL.

Niclas Wallin suspended two games at the World Championships for nasty hit — IIHF

The picture with the article tells the story–Nicky Wallin left his feet and just NAILED Switzerland’s Roman Wick against the glass. Wick was left with a concussion and had amnesia for ten minutes afterward–if he plays before the SEHL starts play again in the fall, I will be surprised.

I like a hard hit and Nicky can deliver on that, but that was just overkill right there. He totally deserved that suspension for being an idiot, and he should consider himself lucky that he wasn’t expelled from the tournament entirely.

Hope Wick will be OK.

OK, so 99.9 The Fan is the Hurricanes’ flagship station. Their hosts usually have it together–Mike Maniscalco, for one. I love the man, even though he’s from Buffalo and (nominally) a Slugfan. Knows his hockey, loves to talk his hockey, and gives some pretty spectacular interviews.

HOWEVER: Mark Thomas, their afternoon drivetime co-host? He needs to learn something about hockey if he wants me to take him seriously–either that or he needs to just admit that he knows dick-all about the Sport of the Gods and is unwilling to learn anything about the Sport of the Gods so that I can just tune him out when he starts flappin’ his yap about the Sport of the Gods.

FOR EXAMPLE:

Today Mark was interviewing Matt Gellatly, the Raleigh boy who just got drafted to Saginaw of the OHL. Among other things, Mark asked the kid about (and I quote) “lighting it up”. G-dude asked him what he meant by “lighting it up”, and Mark’s response made it clear that he was asking if the kid fights or pounds people–and he did an asstacular job of trying to cover himself on it.

WTF?

It’s the JUNIORS, you meathead–the players don’t fight in Juniors these days unless they want a suspension! If you want to fight, you go to Derek Boogaard’s summer camp or something. You don’t go to juniors. And then asking him if he “lit it up” in the RYHA–meaning the same thing? Err….yeah.

I mean, really. Even 850 the Buzz has their shit together and the hosts tend to be fairly up-front about not knowing hockey as well as, say, any fan not named Mike in Cary–but 99.9? They’re the freakin’ flagship station. Their hosts should really have it more together so’s not to embarrass the team whose games they carry.

Maurice fired along with sidekick Ladouceur – TSN

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Like I said months ago, I tried to warn the Leafs fans–I did, I really did. And all they did was laugh at me and bray about how I CLEARLY don’t know anything about hockey because otherwise I’d see what a great coach Paul Maurice is and how he’d make the Leafs great again.

Who’s laughing now, kids?

He’s a decent coach…in the AHL. Nice guy, too–but as an NHL coach I really don’t think he’s up to snuff. Coaches have to be developed too, just like players, and Mo’s development as a coach was severely hampered by his being thrown right into the fire all those years ago in Hartford after a whopping six weeks and change as an assistant coach under Paul Holmgren (who now GMs the Pflyers). If he wants to salvage any kind of career at all, he needs to go back to the AHL or just be an assistant somewhere for a few years and learn how to do more than the same old crap he did for 8 years in Carolina and 2 years in Toronto.

I’m just sayin’.

Today is Primary Day in North Carolina, and voters are heading to the polls to pick who they want to be their party’s nominee for this November’s Presidential election.

Miz Mer, however, is so very (understandably) cheesed off by all the robocalls that she’s received in the last month that she’s chosing to stay home today. I don’t totally agree with her decision, and I feel that there are possibly better ways to complain about robocalling (which, as far as I’m concerned, is a blight on the landscape much like inbound telemarketing calls and spam), but I respect her decision and support her in it…which, sadly, is more than can be said for one of my fellow Obama supporters–who decided to self-righteously lecture her about her civic duty (and got all kinds of butthurt when he got a hammer ‘twixt the peepers from yours truly).

So…yeah. I encourage you to please go exercise your vital powers as a citizen and vote today (and, more importantly, in November), if you’re eligible to. If you decide not to, I’ll be disappointed, but I’ll respect it.

/soapbox

Raleigh Native Selected In OHL Draft — ch.com

This is very very cool. Yeah, it was the 15th round. But still–it’s progress and a feather in the cap of the Raleigh Youth Hockey Association.

Go Matt Go!