Back in ‘04 when the Draft was held here in R’lyeh, I went with my dear friend Jenny from Nashville. She and I hung out and had a great time amid all the pomp and circumstance and what have you–including joining the Sharks table in laughing at a Red Wings scout that got hassled by one of the securebots because the picture on his credential didn’t look like him. It was very funny seeing Ken Holland have to get up from the table to go over and tell the NHL Security guy “yes, he’s one of my people. No, no really, he is. Seriously, I’m not kidding, he does belong to us. Yes, I am who my cred says I am–now will you let my guy come back to my table? Thank you.”

One of the highlights of the day, however, came after the first round was over and the people who don’t geek on Draft left the bowl to have fun perusing the card-show on the concourse and engaging in all the fun and games outside:

I got to heckle Annoying Blackhawks Fan (hereinafter referred to as “ABF”). This guy looks like Detroit goofball Mo Cheese, except he doesn’t wear a tinfoil hat, his jersey fits, and he neither has a terminal case of plumber’s butt nor does a lame dance where he flashes crack at the opposing bench in the hopes that they’ll be so wigged out that they’ll all die and let the Menses Munchers win.

But he’s equally annoying. Actually, no. He’s MORE annoying. This guy, so I was told by a couple other Hawks fans in attendance, goes to every Draft and stalks the Hawks scouting staff, trying to tell them who to draft and in what round. He shows up at the arena with laptop and clipboard in hand, and hollers out the names of guys to pick whenever the Hawks are up–I know, because I was sitting three sections over from him while he did it.

I and my buddy Erik started crackin’ on him in the second round, when the Hawks had something like 238972439827 picks and were up every other turn or so. Longest second round in history, I swear. ABF started in hollering out the names of guys to pick, and the Hawks table just blithely ignored him each and every time. He’s getting more and more upset, and Erik and I are getting more and more amusement.

When it got to Pick 68 in the third round, ABF calls out from his perch in Section 128:

“ALEXANDROOOOOOV!”

The Hawks, of course, selected Adam Berti from the Oshawa Generals. ABF was mightily upset, and Erik and I were just laughing and laughing at him because there was no way in the Nine Worlds that anyone was going to listen to this guy (and it was obvious from watching the Hawks’ table that they were all having a chuckle at his expense too).

Next pick went to the ‘Canes. I called out “DEFENSE!”–and the ‘Canes selected Casey Borer from St. Cloud State University (true* story: when Borer was selected, ‘Canes defenseman Bret Hedican got so excited that he completely dorked out and called EVERYONE on the whole frakkin’ team to gush about it). I called out “THANK YOU!” and turned to neener at ABF, who was not at all pleased.

WELL.

Soon it got to pick 83, which was held by the St. Louis Blues–who selected Viktor Alexandrov, the guy that ABF wanted the Hawks to pick. ABF was pissed. He threw his little clipboard and pencil down, stamped his feet, and looked like he wanted to drill his laptop in the general direction of the media section (where, if he managed to get it that far, it would have beaned TSN’s James Duthie). Erik and I kicked the heckling into high gear at that point:

Me: OH NOEZ! GUESS YOU BETTER BECOME A BLACKHAWKS FAN NOW!

Erik: LET’S GO BLUES, EH BUDDY?

(The next pick went to Montreal)

Me: ALEXANDROOOOV! OH WAIT, THE BLUES ALREADY TOOK HIM!

Erik: LET’S GO BLUES!

Not our most inventive, but it worked for us and was funny. ABF was all set to come over and throw down, but one of the RBC Securebots hauled ass down to the middle of 128 and tried to get him to chill out–and when that failed, Securebot just told him “You don’t have to go home, but you gotta get the heck up outta here.”

I got so much mileage out of that joke for the rest of the weekend, seriously. I actually got Bob Gainey to crack a smile (and made the whole table chuckle) on Day 2 (when I was sitting near the Habs and Preds tables) when it was Chicago’s turn to pick and I said “Hey, they should pick Alexandrov–oh wait, St. Louis took him yesterday. Doh!”

Of course, the best part of that was ABF hearing me from the other side of the arena and knowing that he couldn’t do a thing about it because the securebots would be all over him like Marek Malik on an empty net.

What was the point of this story? Well none really–I just wanted to share the mirth with all y’all. The Blackhawks won the Draft Lottery today, and since my car hasn’t blown up like it did last year at this time (knock on wood) I’ll actually be able to go to the Draft. We’ll see if I’m able to go and hassle ABF again–and y’all know that if I get to do it, I’ll be SURE to post it here.

ALEXANDROOOOV!

*:true as in, “read in the N&O and not denied by Bret”. YMMV, void where prohibited, yadda yadda.