Sweet Tea, Barbecue, and Bodychecks

Dear Toolboxen in Caniac’s clothing;

Do the rest of us a favor and STFU about the Hurricanes’ not having a dedicated goon whose purpose is to do nothing but fight. I swear, if I read one more post on any message board from one of you mouthbreathing idiots about how the Hurricanes are (and I quote one loser) “such a weak team that Staal has to pick a fight and get his ass kicked”, I am going to snap and tear somebody’s face off–starting with one of you.

I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up on current events lately, drekheads, but the Carolina Hurricanes are THE REIGNING STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS. Let me say that again:

THE CAROLINA HURRICANES ARE THE REIGNING STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS–AND THEY WON WITHOUT HAVING A GOON ON THE TEAM.

I think I liked it better when the crowds at the RBC were small–at least the quality of the fans were better back then, and I knew when I went to a ‘Canes game that I’d stand a 99.999% change of actually running into somebody who knows something about hockey rather than some mouthbreathing bandwagon-hopping toolbelt in a UNC 2005 NCAA Champs hat that seems to think that he’s at a Lucha Libre match instead of a hockey game.

You know, hockey?  A game that requires some skill, a good bit of skating ability, and putting a puck in the net as many times as you can?  Yeah, that.

Actually, that’s not really fair to fans of Lucha Libre–they at least know that what they watch is more entertainment than actual sport. Siento, mi amigos.

You might as well go back to bwning your sisters and drinking your crappy Anheuser-Busch products and drooling on yourselves while watching your steroid-pumping WWE posterboys get smacked over the dome with breakaway chairs, you cerebrally-challenged pathetic excuses for “fans”, because hockey is clearly beyond your limited mental range.

Sincerely,

A fan who recognizes that the Day of the Fighter is gone.

Opening Night, 2001. Hurricanes v. Rangers at home. The score was 3-1 ‘Canes at that point, when Josef Vasicek and Vladimir Malakhov got into it behind the Hurricanes’ net and traded a couple punches. Now, I don’t know why, but when they showed Joe’s angry grill in the jumbotron (after the linesmen broke it up) I swear I saw a pair of horns poking out from under his helmet. This reminded me for some reason of a dear friend of mine from the UK who was always jokingly referred to by mutual acquaintances of ours as “Bob, Lord of Evil”. Now Bob was on the tall side, but no athlete was he (anymore), having been about 20ish years retired from being on Scotland Yard’s anti-terrorism unit. But every time I thought of that fight, I thought of dear ol’ Bob (Lord of Evil).
So, Smilin’ Joe Vasicek became Joe, Lord of Evil.

Today Joe, Lord of Evil got traded to Nashville for Scott Walker. Some of the fans on the scout.com boards are bitching about the trade–mostly because of who we got. Clearly, those people haven’t bothered watching the Predators if they think Walks is no good. Walks is a competitor who’ll leave it all on the ice and who can score from time to time (and he can chuck knuckles when he has to, which should please all the mouthbreathing retards that just want to see fights).

In other Hurricanes-related news, the Sightless Eye Clan got a blast from the past when they signed Shane Willis to a one-year deal. Now, in my opinion Shane didn’t exactly get a fair shake from Chairman Mo when he was here. Shane was an offense-oriented guy in a system that was not exactly offense-friendly, and the Great Helmsman didn’t really like him much because of that–the fans, however, loved him (in his first game back as a member of the Tampa Bay Lightning, Shane got a rousing ovation when he scored on the ‘Canes–he was that popular here).

A clean (though envelope-pushing) center-ice hit from Scott Stevens (good riddance) during the 2001 playoffs and a flagrant elbow from Bryan Marchment in November of 2001 set Shane back several paces, and after he was traded away he spent the last few years toiling in the minors and in Europe. This signing is probably Shane’s last best hope for an NHL career–and I think he might fare better this time, playing in a system for which he’s far better suited.