Sweet Tea, Barbecue, and Bodychecks

Game 7. I’m really not surprised–I saw this coming at the start of the series, because as I’ve said before these two teams are pretty much clones of each other.

The Canes blew their cool like they did in Game 3, and the Sabres took advantage of it–the only thing that kept it from being a blowout was Cam Ward (who I want to adopt).

I feel strangely calm about all of this, really.

Dear Canes,

Come on home and get a little rest. Thursday’s a new day and another shot at redemption.

Love,

AQ

(written while listening to “Adrift and At Peace” by Nine Inch Nails)

….for something that, today, is a bit more important regardless of one’s political leanings.

I come from a family of warriors.

My paternal grandfather joined the US Army during World War II, and served in the Army Corps of Engineers as one of the builders of Garrison Dam.

One of my maternal great-uncles fought at Anzio AND Montecassino in the US Army during World War II.

My father served in the US Navy for 25 years, and earned a Purple Heart at Da Nang after being shot in the ass by a sniper.

One of my maternal ancestors fought for the Confederacy as a volunteer from Indiana during the Civil War–his reasons for doing so are lost to time, but he fought for his cause all the same.

My maternal uncle volunteered to serve in the US Army and was a door-gunner on the Cambodian border in the mid-60s, when his own government was vehemently denying any action in that part of Viet Nam.

Another of my paternal uncles served in the Navy after Vietnam, and two of his brothers served in the US Army–one (the baby of his family) during Desert Storm.

I have had numerous cousins serve in the Navy, Marine Corps, and Army. Had my knees not decided otherwise, I would have served as well.

(And some of you wonder why I have a big ol’ bug up my ass about Jack Todd.)

Happy Memorial Day to all servicemembers (even you, Chief). Thank you for defending my right to be a bitchy, disagreeable old battleaxe.

…please pick up a nice steaming cup of SHUT. THE HELL. UP.

Toolbag Junior gives aid and comfort to the enemy, Film at 11.

Somebody get me an airsick bag, please. Better yet, they should just tell Ned to stick to Carolina basketball or something else that he knows just as little about. Just keep him the hell away from hockey.

MOVING RIGHT ALONG….

Dave Lee and I were chatting about the whole Briere “situation” last night. Mind you, Briere’s comments were not very at all captainly–and Ruff is enough of a hard-ass that he’ll bench the boy in a big hurry–but I’m smelling a heady aroma of smokescreen from the whole thing…as if the Sabres are trying to play the Hurricanes into their hands by making it sound like the locker room is falling into disarray. Lulling the enemy into a false sense of security, and all that.

I guess we’ll see what happens tonight, huh?

Puck drops at 7:30, lots open at 1:30 for tailgating (and, if you’re a Sabres fan, hood-denting).

Go Canes.

See, my strategy worked–I completely ignore the game, and the Canes win. Therefore, I will be sleeping through Sunday’s game (especially since I don’t have the jack for tickets–I’m sure some jackass “up north” will come back with some stupid-ass NASCAR smack and call me a stupid redneck for that, but I don’t care).

The ‘Canes are also coming to terms with the fact that Erik Cole isn’t coming back. Colesy is understandably crushed, as are the fans and teammates who were hoping for his return–but if the following comment from Justin Williams in the N&O this morning is any indication, I think that the team will be channeling their disappointment into extra effort in Game 5 on Sunday (and Game 6 on Tuesday).

“We’re frustrated for him. Yes, we’d like to see him back and we thought … we had a chance. But the reality is he’s not going to be able to go, and he’s one of our best players. The best thing to do is not sulk but go out there and do it for him.”

Sounds like a plan to me. Go Canes.

Erik Cole is out for the duration.

Erik Cole will not return to the Carolina Hurricanes this season after doctors told him today the fracture in his vertebra has not healed enough to allow him to play.

Hurricanes coach Peter Laviolette said that Cole should be ready for training camp this fall, but Thursday’s CT scan did not show the progress the team had hoped to see.

“There was insufficent healing in the bone,” Laviolette said. “He will be OK for the game of life and his career, but he will not be joining us in the playoffs.”

Cole, 27 was injured March 4 when Pittsburgh Penguins defenseman Brooks Orpik hit him from behind into the boards, causing a compression fracture to one of his vertebrae.

The Hurricanes take on the Buffalo Sabres in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference finals Friday night, down 2-1 in the series.

“Everybody was holding out hope he’d be able to come back and play, but in the big picture we were worried about his life and career and that’s going to be OK,” Laviolette said. “It’s disappointing he won’t be with us, but that was really third on my list.”

This is disappointing, but in the grand scheme of things it’s really not a surprise. I think Lavi said it best–the important thing is that he’ll be able to play again and live a full life.

Go Canes.

Fuckin’ Orpik.

Well actually I do–they’re really only fit to be a fishwrap, with the exception of Luke DeCock and J.P. Giglio.

But apparently the editorial staff at the paper is still incensed that the Centennial Authority wisely refused to put the RBC Center downtown, because they’ve been posting articles during these playoffs that make it sound like the whole freaking town is anti-hockey.

The latest flap? David Jones, a local business owner, took a utility knife to the jerseys that had been put onto four of the statues at the State Capitol because, according to him, it was “disrespectful” (and State law wasn’t followed when they were put up, but apparently it’s too hard to simply file a procedural grievance and avoid making a damn fool out of yourself). The N&O doesn’t bother quoting any actual Hurricanes fans about the incident–instead, they get this gem from some guy who wouldn’t know a puck from a spark plug:

“My name is Zebulon Vance Stephenson III, so you know where I stand — with Mr. Jones,” said the Knightdale postal supervisor whose great-grandfather worked for Vance after the Civil War helping Confederate veterans find a job. “As for ice hockey, I look on it like I do a bowel movement — this too shall pass.”

Personally? I don’t think Zebulon Vance would be offended by having a jersey on his statue. Nor would Andrew Jackson. Based on historical record, Old Hickory would probably tell Mr. Jones (and Mr. Stephenson) to get over themselves and actually take in a Hurricanes game or two sometime and have some fun.

But what do I know, I’m just a fan of “that Yankee sport”.

(And if anyone knows what the name of Mr. Jones’ business is so that I can let people know to avoid it, please let me know. Thanks.)

Well actually I do–they’re really only fit to be a fishwrap, with the exception of Luke DeCock and J.P. Giglio.

But apparently the editorial staff at the paper is still incensed that the Centennial Authority wisely refused to put the RBC Center downtown, because they’ve been posting articles during these playoffs that make it sound like the whole freaking town is anti-hockey.

The latest flap? David Jones, a local business owner, took a utility knife to the jerseys that had been put onto four of the statues at the State Capitol because, according to him, it was “disrespectful” (and State law wasn’t followed when they were put up, but apparently it’s too hard to simply file a procedural grievance and avoid making a damn fool out of yourself). The N&O doesn’t bother quoting any actual Hurricanes fans about the incident–instead, they get this gem from some guy who wouldn’t know a puck from a spark plug:

“My name is Zebulon Vance Stephenson III, so you know where I stand — with Mr. Jones,” said the Knightdale postal supervisor whose great-grandfather worked for Vance after the Civil War helping Confederate veterans find a job. “As for ice hockey, I look on it like I do a bowel movement — this too shall pass.”

Personally? I don’t think Zebulon Vance would be offended by having a jersey on his statue. Nor would Andrew Jackson. Based on historical record, Old Hickory would probably tell Mr. Jones (and Mr. Stephenson) to get over themselves and actually take in a Hurricanes game or two sometime and have some fun.

But what do I know, I’m just a fan of “that Yankee sport”.

(And if anyone knows what the name of Mr. Jones’ business is so that I can let people know to avoid it, please let me know. Thanks.)

To: Sports Editor, News and Observer
From: The Acid Queen

Subj: Ned “Toolbag Junior” Barnett

To whom this concerns;

Ned Barnett? Of all the columnists at the N&O that you could have swapped with a Buffalo rag for this round, it had to be Ned “I don’t know nothin’ ’bout watchin’ no dern hockey” Barnett? I guess Caulton “Toolbag Senior” Tudor is still in hiding from the angry Canes (and Habs) fans after the infamous Frog Incident and was therefore unavailable? Not that he’d be any better, but sheeet mang.

It’s bad enough we have smacktards from Buffalo who don’t know shit about shit (and who know even less about the Triangle and the people who live here) running their ign’ant yaps about us for the benefit of Joe Plumber’sbutt from Lackawackawhatchamafuhgeddaboudit–we don’t need “one of our own” (*snort* *guffaw*) doing the same damn thing about our own damn people.

Suggestion: make my boy J.P. Giglio a columnist and swap him instead–at least he knows hockey (unlike Ned the Nimrod, who after SEVEN YEARS of writing about this team still doesn’t know the difference between offsides and obstruction).

Please, for the love of Forseti, I beg you: take Ned’s keyboard away before he embarrasses the Caniac Nation (est. 1997) any further.

Sincerely,

The Acid Queen
Raleigh, NC

To: SabresFan
From: The AcidQueen

Subj: Ned Barnett

To whom this concerns;

Ned Barnett is not an accurate representative of the Hurricanes fanbase in any way, shape, form, or fashion. Ignore Ned, because he knows even less about hockey than my husband (who not only doesn’t watch hockey at all and who taped over my recordings of the games from 2002 with Buffy The Vampire Slayer episodes, but still thinks that Robert Kron plays for the Hurricanes).

Not that it’ll stop you from continuing to be arrogant assholes or anything, but still.

Kiss my ass if you don’t like me calling you arrogant assholes,

The AcidQueen

Wow, looks like my previous entry is getting a lot of run on the Sabres boards.

I’m also being essentially called a liar by some of the fans on those boards, because in their opinion no damage was done.

Sorry, I know the RPD well enough to know that if they didn’t think they could make the charge stick they wouldn’t make the bust.

Apparently it’s OK to say that nobody down here knows anything about hockey because of a few vocal n00bs, but it’s not OK for me to pass along an incident involving a drunk AND UNDER-AGE Buffalo fan.

Riiiight.

Gotta love that ol’ double-standard.

AS FOR THE GAME:

Wow. This is what playing like ass for 35 minutes out of 60 will get you, kids–PWNT.

The officiating was no great help, but you can’t blame the refs for a complete lack of discipline, defensive breakdowns, and the Canes losing their cool.

Let me say again:

The Canes played like ass tonight. They didn’t skate, they tried to be cute, and they let themselves get all caught up in that whole retaliation thing–that’s why they lost. The officiating, though craptacular as always, wasn’t why. The Canes beat themselves.

On to Friday.

Meet 20-year old Sean McNaughton. Sean came all the way down from Perrysburg, NY for the weekend–and wound up getting hauled off by Raleigh’s Finest after he decided that it would be fun to start drunkenly running up to any and all approaching cars with Canes paraphernalia on them and pretend that he was Duke Nukem with MIGHTY FOOT ENGAGED. Sean dented the hell out of the hood of some guy’s car, and now he’s down at City and County wearing an orange jumpsuit (unless his parents wired him bail money by now).

Wow. I know that there have been more than a few Sabres fans out in cyberspace decrying drunken idiocy such as Sean’s and making apologies for the morons in their fanbase, but crap like this is the lasting impression that the bulk of the Caniac Nation (est. 1997) will forever have when they think of the Buffalo Sabres. It doesn’t matter how many apologies get made, and it doesn’t matter how many other Canes fans say that they didn’t have any trouble with the visiting fans–Sean and his cohorts pretty much ensured that Sabres fans will have the same reputation in R’lyeh that the Leafs fans have in Buffalo, and that even the good eggs will get met with open hostility from a lot of the locals….especially because that incident and several others (including fights between a couple locals) made it into this morning’s News and Observer.

Hope you’re proud of yourselves, folks.

Photo courtesy of Guyute from Teh LGC.

Meanwhile, at the World Championships in Latvia, A Canadian fan with the oh-so-clever name of “gotskills” decided to go to the Team Czechia forum on the IHWC website and post the following:

how may years has “NO PLAYER SHALL WASH HIS HOCKEY EQUIPMENT” law been on the czech law books?

It may be time to get with the times and mix in a clean jersey now and then.

The only response came from a Czech poster, who replied with what is possibly the most perfect way of calling somebody an idiot for askin such a question:

Ohh.. What a core problem!

Let me put it this way: One who think that external appearance is most important is ready to iron his cerebral cortex in case it could be visible

And, of course, “gotskills” showed his great intellect with the following response:

Your DEEP

Oh, those Canadians (and the Czechs who wtfpwn them).

(thanks to correspondent Joolzie for the pointer)

Before I start:

I ban trolls from my commentbox. I did it the last two rounds, and I do it now. And yes, I’m talking to the asshats that came here from the N&O blogs and are now whining because they’re no longer able to litter the comment section with their garbage. If you’re just going to call me an “ignorant slut” and other such wonderful things, then you can go peddle your papers elsewhere–and this applies to Canes fans just as much as it applies to fans of any opposing team.

Now then.

The game was actually not that bad, all told. The second period was complete and total weak-sauce, and the Sabres took advantage–had the Canes not figured that everything was hunky-dory and that they could slack off cos the score was tied (i.e. if they had played aggressively like they did in the first and third periods), then the outcome would have been much different. The Hurricanes and Sabres are clones of each other, they really are–same system, same type players, same type playoff rookie goaltenders, same coaching philosophy…it’s like looking in a mirror.

That said: Miller was the difference-maker in this game. In a way he’s like Ilya Bryzgalov out in Anaheim–when he’s on, he’s nigh-invulnerable. When he’s off, he’s a colander.

I’m not upset about the outcome, I’m really not. My opinion of SabresFan, however, has gone down several hundred notches after seeing the ones that invaded the RBC throw their trash all over our parking lot, assault our fans (a couple of Sabres fans jumped a somewhat mouthy Caniac outside the RBC after the game and started a big brawl that the RPD had to break up*), and generally act like they’re from Detroit.

And you all know how much love I have for Detroit.

ON THE OTHER HAND:

I’m not happy with some of the Canes fans, either, for sinking to the level of the invaders. That’s the kind of garbage I’d expect from Flyers, Devils, or locally-based Red Wings fans. When the enemy’s fans come to your house and act like the assholes that they are, you go get the securebots and let them deal with the situation. You don’t dump beer on them, you don’t try to shove them down the steps (I’m talking specifically to the middle-aged jackass in Section 101 that tried shoving some drunk-ass Sabres fan down the steps for having some stupid POS whiteboard sign), and you sure as hell don’t throw shit at them. If they’re causing trouble, get the ushers. If the ushers are unwilling to do anything, get security. If the securebot refuses to do anything, demand to speak to his (or her) supervisor.

Go Canes.

*:No, I was not involved.

Ah yes, leave it to SabresFan to do SO much to dispel my growing hatred. Apparently, only Tom L. figured out that my previous post was not a threat in any way, shape, form, or fashion–if he can do it, then what the hell is the problem with the rest of you lot?

Calling me an ignorant slut, making self-righteous patronizing comments about the N&O doing a service for the newer members of the fanbase, AND crying that I’m somehow threatening Sabres fans (even though I’ve done nothing of the sort) is not the way to engender good will.

It’s also not the way to get me to feel anything but pure white-hot loathing for your team.

Good job, SabresFan. I hope your team gets to a Game 7 with us and then own-goals in overtime, because it would serve you right.

Love you guys, even in those rare occurrences when I have to drop the hammer on you.

Moving right along:

The shit-talk from those booger-eatin’ Sabres fans has begun in earnest. Trolls have been getting banned left and right from the boards. The shitstorm in the unmoderated blogs is beginning to slowly pile up. Stan Fischler has started pillorying MY COACH for the sins of Don Waddell. Tom L. has been ganking and corpse-camping my happy Tauren ass in the Burning Steppes every chance he gets.

Not only that, but this one jackass from down in Fayettenam has decided to crawl back out from under the rock that he went under earlier this season and wave his gerbil-peen at me while proclaiming those motherfraggin’ Sabres to be Cup Champs already!

I’ve had it. I’m done.

I’M MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE.

You! Hurricanes! I want you to drag those bastards down into the dirt and OWN them, right in front of all their asshat fans (who at this moment are below Red Wings Nation on my scale of fan-hatred). I want you to light Ryan Miller’s bony ass up like the frickin CHRYSLER BUILDING. I want BLOOD and GUTS and Daniel Briere getting tossed around like a rag doll! I want JP Dumont thrown to the Deadites! I want nothing less than VICTORY.

VICTORY OR DEATH! SCREW JUSTICE, I WANT A CUP!

Go Canes.

There are all kinds of fun theories that abound in the sporting world–the Curse of the Bambino, the Ewing Theory, and so on. All of them are about as scientifically sound (and intellectually defensible) as Intelligent Design and The Flat Earth theory, but they still make for fun water cooler discussion.

In that spirit I introduce to you, dear readers, a new (and equally unscientific) sports theory:

The Malik Effect–named for this man:

New York Rangers defenseman Marek Malik, aka The Serene Master of Malik-Fu.

The theory behind The Malik Effect holds that any team that beats a team with Marek Malik on it in the playoffs–early rounds or finals–will suffer later on. I shan’t bore you with a big metaphysical discussion of people who can affect the overall luck of others and the quasi-religious clownery that drives the theory–I’ll just let the facts speak for themselves.

Known examples of The Malik Effect in action:

1999: Boston Bruins defeat the Carolina Hurricanes in the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals. Bruins go on to get pwned by the Buffalo Sabres on their march to that year’s Cup Finals.

2001: New Jersey Devils defeat the Carolina Hurricanes in the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals. Devils go on to choke a 3-2 lead over the Colorado Avalanche in that year’s Stanley Cup Finals and get pwned in Game 7.

2003, 2004, 2006, 2007: Detroit Red Wings find themselves unable to advance past the Conference Finals since beating the Carolina Hurricanes in the 2002 Stanley Cup Finals.

2003: Minnesota Wild defeat the Vancouver Canucks in the Western Conference Semifinals. Wild go on to get swept in the Western Conference Finals by the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim.

2004: Calgary Flames defeat the Vancouver Canucks in the Western Conference Quarterfinals. Flames go on to the Cup Finals, only to lose to the Tampa Bay Lightning in seven games.

2005: Hame Zlin beats HC Vitkovice Steel in the Czech Extraliga playoffs after a heated seven-game series. Zlin goes on to get swept in the Finals by Pardubice.

2006: New Jersey Devils beat the New York Rangers in the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals. Devils go on to get the crap beaten out of them by the Carolina Hurricanes in the Eastern Conference Semifinals.

2007: Buffalo Sabres beat the New York Rangers in the Eastern Conference Semifinals. Sabres go on to get the crap beaten out of them by the Ottawa Senators in the Eastern Conference Finals.

2008: Pittsburgh Penguins beat the New York Rangers in the Eastern Conference Semifinals. Penguins go on to lose in six games to the Detroit Red Wings in the Stanley Cup Finals. Note that the Red Wings, as indicated above, had gone without a Cup since 2002–until this season, when they encountered a team in the Finals that was itself under the Effect’s influence. Note also that Malik didn’t even play a single game in the 2008 Playoffs.

The only two known avoidances of the Malik Effect have come in international competition: Canada in 2004’s World Cup, and Sweden in this year’s Olympic games.

As I’ve said. This is not the most scientific theory in the world. But it’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.

Addendum: The Malik Effect has been confused with the Curse of the Sheik, which refers to a team’s loss of luck/mojo when The Serene Master departs (either by trade or free agency) for other environs. That is a separate theory, which I may expound upon once a larger representative sample is acquired.

Ouch. Yesterday’s game was, if nothing else, a wake-up call for the Canes–and for my fellow fans, some of whom were arrogantly calling a sweep while others (like me) knew better. Some fans that went to Game 4 were stupid enough to bring brooms–hopefully yesterday’s game knocked some sense into them, especially since the Canes got pushed around a bit (which has some of the more cerebrally-challenged in the Caniac Nation (est. 1997) screaming and whining for somebody to start burying sticks in the heads of various Devils players–yeah, let’s get the whole team suspended. There’s a great idea, right there).

I have a sneaking suspicion that the Devils will win tonight, and the Canes will close it out at home on Tuesday. Would be nice if the Canes close it out tonight, but we’ll see.

In other news:

Mark Knudson of “The Coloradoan” is pissing and whining about the playoffs–specifically, the fact that the Avs and Red Wings are no longer in them–and blames the salary cap for bringing about “mediocre hockey” (i.e. the fact that the Edmontons and Carolinas of the NHL aren’t just bending over and letting the “elite” teams put it to them) and a decline in ratings.

I’m sorry, what? Edmonton didn’t change a whole hell of a lot from the season before the lockout (except for adding Chris Pronger, who was dumped by the Blues specifically to make the team more attractive to a buyer, and taking on serial malcontent Michael Peca after the Isles let him go)–and look what they did.

The Avs didn’t do so hot in the last couple seasons leading up to the lockout, and I thank blame the Malik Effect for the Red Wings’ inability to get it up since 2002–can we blame the salary cap for that, too?

Have you watched any playoff games this season, Markie-poo? There’s been some pretty damn exciting hockey played…of course, this assumes that you know anything about the sport (which knowledge clearly is not in evidence).

As for the ratings….the NHL made their own bed with a metric assload of help from Bristol on that one, who kept pushing the same five teams over and over and over (NY Rangers, St. Loo, Colorado, Philadelphia, Dallas, and Detroit) because they were more “marketable” even when a good many of their games were boring as hell to watch compared to some very anger-filled Nashville-Columbus or Carolina-Washington games. Of course they’re going to get bigger ratings–when you see them all the time, you come to expect them and wind up putting on blinders to some damn good small-market teams. You can’t blame the salary cap for that without looking like a former beisbol player who sniffed the pine tar in the back of the clubhouse a bit too much a complete and total toolbag.

Stick to beisbol, Markie-poo, because it’s painfully obvious that you know dick-all about hockey.

Go Canes.

That roar you hear coming from the general direction of Colorado is my sister (The Pregnant Motie Warrior) expressing her feelings at her beloved Avs getting the broom last night.

My poor brother-in-law doesn’t stand a chance.

Sometime today, I’ll get a nice ranty e-mail from TPMW about the subject.

IN OTHER NEWS:

Chairman Mo has been appointed General Secretary of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Leafs fans, I am currently hunting down my old propaganda posters for you to use as we speak.

I never had a problem with Paul Maurice on a personal (read: outside of hockey) level–but his coaching was, of course, another matter entirely. I felt that his coaching development had been seriously arrested by his being thrown into the battleground that is an NHL head coaching position, that he was seriously deficient in several areas (player communication, adaptability, and keeping the team on-focus were the big ones), and that above all else he was being done a disservice by being kept on the yob for so long. From his tenure with the Marlies, it seems that he has taken some lessons away from his tenure here (which is good), and I’m sure that he’ll do a fine job with the Leafs.

I wish the guy much luck in his new yob–but not against the Canes.

Nothing personal, of course. ’s just hockey.